Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

The women I coach often come to me because they want a big life. In fact, they’ve likely enjoyed a big life until they became a mother, and now it seems in jeopardy.

Or, conversely, they’ve been playing small for so long that becoming a mother made them realize that they want more for themselves and their children.

And often, the women want to lean into everything, their business, their marriage, their passions, motherhood, and they don’t want to sacrifice or allow one pursuit to come at the expense of another. But because there aren’t many role models, and society is telling them they must choose, they don’t trust their instincts. They don’t know how to make it happen or risk going for what they want.

We start with shoring up their foundation because sometimes it takes time to build the vision for what a big life means, uncover what they really want, but a foundation will help them no matter what they decide.

Big is subjective, after all. Is a big family 5 or 8? Is a big salary $100k or $1M? Is a big vacation a week in the mountains or a month in Singapore? Is a big house 2,500 sf or 6,500 sf? Is a big goal running a 5k or running a global company?

Your playing small does not serve the world.

Big can mean anything, but in this case, it’s the opposite of small. Building a strong foundation is what takes the idea of a big life from theoretical to practical. It’s crucial conversations, goalsetting, inner work, and more.

It’s putting your dreams into play by taking care of all the things that need to happen to put yourself in the best possible light for it to work out as planned.

It may not be as easy as losing the extra weight, breaking up with the loser boyfriend, or quitting the job you’ve outgrown. Yes, we must let go of what is holding us back to make room for what’s better, but that doesn’t always translate into something better falling into our laps.

Sometimes, timing matters. Often, it’s circumstantial. Occasionally, we aren’t as ready as we think. Think about those whose lives you admire or envy. What is it that they have that you want?

The ability to capitalize comes from an incredible foundation that closes the gap between what you bring to the table and what you’ll need to possess to pull it off.

And that life, the one you’re dreaming of? It likely doesn’t look like your current life, your parent’s lives, your neighbor’s lives, or even your life of the person you are emulating.

That’s where the work comes in. Your foundation is more than following a successful plan. It’s mindset work, too, to address the behaviors and limiting beliefs that undermine your effectiveness, distract you from achieving your goals, and diminish your power.

Think social media for hours each day, processed foods, lack of cardio, smoking, drinking, not budgeting, no savings, unorganized, unhealthy slacking. Those are some of the things getting in your way, but they aren’t sexy enough to hold your attention or big enough fixes to give you that immediate gratification rush.

Yet, building a foundation requires addressing it, committing to micro changes that enable improvements to compound, so you can elevate.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

I used to work in television, and the amount of media I consumed for the sake of my job was staggering. One day I just couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t want to care about other people’s stories more than my own. I was tired of seeing the progress, excitement, travel, love, and investments they made pay off in ways that I wasn’t experiencing.

I didn’t have FOMO for what they had, I had FOMO for what I hadn’t yet tried, for what I wanted to create in my own life. I knew then that I was done playing small. 

It meant discovering and acknowledging what I wanted, then relentlessly pursuing it, making aligned choices with exponential potential, and giving in to my desires. Coach. Writer. Entrepreneur. So far from what I knew. So far from what I saw others do.

But as soon as I drew a line in the sand and said, This is what I’m doing. This is what I want. This is meant for me, unexpected opportunities immediately showed up and continue to show up. Clients. Publishers. Collaboration. Growth. Happiness. Expansiveness. Freedom.

I am moving forward, taking daily steps toward love and joy, saying yes to opportunities, and hell yes to motherhood.

So I get how it feels to take risks without a guaranteed pay-off…to honestly examine why you aren’t living the life you want and to press pause on something lucrative in favor of something that takes time.

If I told you I can’t promise you you’ll find what you’re seeking, but it will be worth it anyway, would that matter? What if I said if you can just endure the unknown, have faith in your future, and build your foundation, your life might feel more right for you? More meant for you? Bigger and more significant in ways you don’t even know to want for right now?

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Think about all the worst-case scenarios you’ve played out over the years, the detail with which you imagined them. Have you envisioned your best life to the same degree? Do you know the possibilities that are out there? The wild, blow-your-mind, holy shit, it can be that good wonder of it all? Or are you resigned, still, reserved, holding your breath?

Do you dismiss what you want as crazy pursuits? Meant for someone else or just not possible?

Everyone has the same stuff. Health concerns. Family pressures. Financial realities. Relationship ties. Location considerations. Limitations, expectations, and fears. It’s all real.

It’s also not definitive unless you let it be. Where you start isn’t as important as where you finish. Or even where your journey takes you.

So many women want more, they feel the tug of their best self pulling them toward their potential, to what could be, to having it all. I know they do because they tell me.

But they can’t claim it because it’s too scary or too impossible, too damning or too glorious. They can’t say it, because they can’t jinx it, or be careful what you wish for, or anything else that lets them off the hook for owning the responsibility and outcome.

So they start strong “I want…” and trail off, a jumble of whispered prayers wrapped in guilt for overstepping, mumbles of unworthiness, ungratefulness, disclaimers, and fear.

And it’s too personal, too close, somehow it doesn’t feel like legitimate when it’s yours. But your dreams matter as much as anyone else’s.

Please don’t hold back. Don’t edit yourself or explain. Let your mind and your heart wander. Ask yourself if anything was possible, what would I choose? If I knew I couldn’t fail, what would I try? If I had all the resources for guaranteed success, how could I claim it?

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

I write and coach about leveraging motherhood. Here’s one way to understand it and apply it immediately. 

Ask your kids about their dreams and then talk about their answers in an encouraging, empowering, enthusiastic way. Dive into the details and emotions, and revel in their joyful anticipation and certainty. Let them get carried away. Get carried away with them.

Whether they want to move to Africa to save cheetahs, invent a time machine with a shrink ray option, or become the most sought-after ballerina in the world, you wouldn’t criticize them, would you? 

You wouldn’t downplay their dreams or make them feel inferior for what they want, would you? You wouldn’t talk about the incredible odds, responsibilities, or costs, would you?

Then don’t do that to yourself. No matter how outlandish, how off course, how insignificant or silly or impossible, go through the same exercise with yourself. Stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself about your dreams and articulate them in encouraging, empowering, enthusiastic ways. Get carried away.

For many women, whether life has been easy or not, it’s been prescribed to a degree before motherhood: Education, family, relationships, a job.

But then when you had children, it hit you, life is a precious, fleeting, big deal. With the intensity of that realization comes opportunity, to see your path and purpose with fresh eyes, to be more intentional about your life, to model what’s possible for your children.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us

The truth is, if you aren’t living your best life, it will be harder for your children to live theirs. They will listen when you say, do you best, but watch you struggle in survival mode. They will hear you when you say, go for it, but they will see you compromise, sacrifice, and downplay your desires. They will understand when you say, you’re enough, but they will sense that something is missing for you, and internalize that lack.

So, no matter what you are saying, ask yourself what you are modeling, and if you can do better, do better. If you need to address some things before you can improve, get a coach or a therapist.

So, no matter what you are saying, ask yourself what you are modeling, and if you can do better, do better. If you need to address some things before you can improve, get a coach or a therapist.

See, having a great life means capitalizing on opportunities, and one of the most significant occasions of all is motherhood. To become a mother, to become a parent, means a do-over, a free spin, another chance to get back on your best path that is intended for you.

It’s a chance to set aside grudges, bitterness, disappointment, uncertainty, and hesitation, and reset. Time is running out.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

I’m a broken record with this, but it’s such an urgent, vivid, and timely example: You only get 18 summers with your children. 18!

How old are your babies? How many summers do you have left? Think about the years you’ve already shared. What life lesson have you passed on?

Whether you feel proud, stunned, relieved, or embarrassed, in response, take it in for a moment, own it, then exhale and let it go. Now you know, do better.