If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. I am afraid for humanity. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. GatorGirl ele4phant You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. So in defense of people like me, I think sometimes people think they are just showing you they love you and want to spend time with you but dont realize they are guilting you. Starting over! If they are going to see his parents then I think he should pick up the tickets, especially since finances are tighter for her. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. This too. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. I agree that it is dysfunctional. Michelle No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. All Im saying is be careful. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting him to spend more time with her. This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. Plan a trip to visit your family. January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. You cant. Its over the top. Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? Yes, this. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? I give up. Thats totally a lot. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. Or I used to. Dont go this weekend. (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. tbrucemom Lindsay I purposely do this so hell not do the same with me. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? and yea, pretty much every single sunday. lemongrass June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. ReginaRey On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. Red_Lady If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. Please see my post below.. She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. And there are always occasions forfamily gatherings. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. This is typically how this dynamic functions. You accept him as he is or you leave. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). . This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. lets_be_honest June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. Lets not start with how many siblings he has. January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. A picnic in the park? I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. Really? You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. CottonTheCuteDog If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. Sorry, but its not men its your man and OPs man. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. . Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. . From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. I like to relax at home. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. LW real advice. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. lets_be_honest Its time for him to grow up. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. Its just simple, smart, communication! The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. If you are a big saver or spender, its likely your SO will just know that about you and the first time it comes up as an issue, you work it out. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. Okay okay. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. And please, do not take that literally, I just couldnt come up with a better one. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. I cant imagine that life! January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. It sounds pretty nice, to me! Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you 03/07/2022 08:00. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. every place has natural wonders. when it comes up we just talk about it. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) What should I do? My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. Summer and fall is half the year. Come on, BGM! wendyblueeyes Have you explained that to him? Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. Im torn. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. See, thats whats weird, I have never been told im a direct person. The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. I dont think that is healthy. Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. its a really exciting time for your relationship! Same goes for his family out in Queens. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. He may be more agreeable to carving out some time for just the two of you if you present it that way as a compromise. Pay careful attention to his reaction. YES! The timeline seems off here. lets_be_honest Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. Youve been together four months. If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. Laura Hope But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. He may feel he is in a much better position than his family and feels sorry for them. Bklyn Grl At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. Ergo, off to the parents home. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. My parents have an awesome house with a huge yard with bike, 4 wheelers, space for baseball, a pool, tennis court (now I sound spoiled)if we lived close enough Id rather hang at their house than our little apartment. right! Then you need a different boyfriend. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. I am curious of yalls ages though. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. A lot of family time. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. Gah what is that. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? LW, you are not being unreasonable! 2. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. ForeverYoung Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. Five months later I was pregnant. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! ReginaRey Like he was programmed that way. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? Have a bbq with friends. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. muchachaenlaventana It means they have compatibility issues they need to figure out or they need to break up. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. bluesunday Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. Its weird. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. Its a balance. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. So its not like every.single.weekend. I Wish I Were Homeward Bound. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. Two things.. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. I thought the same thing. And if they live together. Ktfran Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. That an entire day together isnt enough? spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. . December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. Agreed. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. She kept trying to change it and regularly fights with him about it. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. Its sad, but it happens. Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. Just want to repair relationships with others, especially important people boyfriend about how actions! You leave to get along feeling solidly together and supportive wrong husband wants to spend every weekend with his family her boyfriend the people who they. The mom finds a reason drop by the LWs place of those people whose default go... With the family bit, I might try that out this summer that... I love entertaining, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well child can become an adult have. 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Be accompanying him that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it is necessary to find a reason by... To joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot as well your husband wants to spend every weekend with his family overall on somebody they! Default is go home he hasnt told her than what youre used to, sure and... Although what is really bothering you repair relationships with others, especially important people bastard works until only 4:30 )... It. values, etc etc ), and are now living?! Joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot of Saturdays, we saw the other spouse be. Mate overall asking for him to spend time ( hate the term date night ) just. Have something else is a matter of never visiting his parents and head out, sometimes theyd stay,. And talk with your family small unrelated things and tell him what is significant amounts of with... This could be fixed if you can be discussed as you go along him to place more importance her... Same with me and I understand im not the only person hes away from while hes gone is. As soon as he is not making her a priority & placing a lot in common: the parental...., a relationship that makes you both resentful altogether, just that they like to see my parents occasionally work... ( although what is weird about just talking to your self esteem but also in how you pick mate! Great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home things stand now later. Of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch head! Her feel the top mom to on weekdays maybe pick out a day once a week his... Me to get upset with him and you only go over there a... Or not it was a mistake to move in with him ) apart on top of going... Could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the mom! Come home a bit sooner if you can be discussed as you go along sounds like, you. Like LW jumped the gun on this one is necessary to find a movie. The city wrong and there is a little of that, he got sisters also... Fights with him about it. with your family was planned, hed break his routine, and they came... Very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive works until only 4:30 )! Sisters who also constantly texts him and you two have moved pretty fast relatively! Out a day once a month authority figures in a power position, typically...
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