The sad part is that I do know him very well ~ I call him "Captain Predictable" because I know Exactly how he is going to react to a situation. Lack of empathy is an ADHD trait, and needs careful consideration and support from the non-ADHD partner as well. My SO is inconsistently caring and compationate - the overriding theme of when they are not has to do with feeling frustrated and overburdened by yet another thing they have to deal with. The one hoarding in the place you are trying to sell? There is no reason under the son a man or woman should be second to anyone when it comes to survival in health, shelter or love period. Stubbornness, not listening, victim mentality, and lack of awareness of life in general that gets overwhelming for me, which makes being in a "marriage" even more challenging. I used to do the same thing. He might show it in other ways. If you talk about how he's not connecting with you and that's disappointing to you, the issue is HIM. Some people wait until the water is visibly murky before performing maintenance on the tank. Ziff Davis, LLC BBB Business Review. To have someone who would look at me when I talked to him (at least sometimes), and not look away, or in another direction, or not pay attention at all, and wouldn't immediately take an opposing view of my opinions, or discount them altogether. Of course my Hcalled right back saying he could not hear his phone(yet his friend heard his on the 2nd ring). He has not been diagnosed with ADHD (yet), but he may very well have it as well. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 22:58. And I have failed you, but in finding your voice you have helped me find mine and now I see. Except it absolutely is an ADHD trait, and should be approached as a perceptual blind-spot on the part of the ADHD partner: Reduced emotional empathy in adults with subclinical ADHD: evidence from the empathy and systemizing quotient. Submitted by PoisonIvy on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 15:38. I know the empathy is in there, but it's overridden by the rest of their experience and the onslaught of perception they constantly have to sort through. Being intrusive and obnoxious so my partner would pay attention to me. All the mistakes I made after 2013 were not me but the broken woman I had become after all of this indirect abuse. Im the sick one, the one who is lucky to stay out of the hospital for more than three months at a time. I ended up driving myself to the hospital after a bout of painful colitis- three days of complete pain and suffering, did not even miss a day of work. But I'm still keeping out of the way and limiting the inconvenience. It seemed only logical, Im the identified patient right? He's afraid someone is going to see that he couldn't 'do this, and it will make him look bad to someone "out there". Well, yes, I have an Autoimmune condition that causes it. He went and played soccer that night when I was feeling my worst. It tends to be E>S in females, and S>E in males, and S>E in ADHD regardless of gender. Ihave neglected you. in Child and Adolescent Development and then an M.A. I am learning to put myself first so I will show him where the meds are and head off to work. I always wished I had the guts to leave him but the codependencykept me there. Submitted by dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 06:51. I'm not talking about a " girlish, prince on a white horse, rescuer kind of thing) I think everyone knows what I'm trying to say. Nothing sexual ever happened but after 2 years of him love bombing me, calling me hot, beautiful, his soul mate, his twin, etc, he would discard me when I got too needy and hoover me back in when he needed an emotional pick me up. Very very low tolerance since this is completely unforgivable as it should be? She says take medicine or go to doctor. And my mother ( the other one with ADHD who I got it from? I said no. When I rarely get sick, my H is nice AT FIRST (for about 30 minutes), but then quickly falls into being angry, annoyed, and spiteful. Whichever it is, I wasted most of my life trying to make something work that couldn't. My experience with ADD people is they are takers. The whole thing is just very, very HARD. Gosh, feel better! I felt so good in the beginning, the wanted to die from the guilt and then angry when I realized I was even more codependent with this guy. Don't walk around hurt from a Global sickness presently called, "entitlement". A perfect opportunity to "prove" himself right ~ WRONG! Are you sick often? I recorded it and ran to my room in tears and he knew I was crying since the 3rd person, a teenager, begged him to get help and to console me. Always. When my husband found out he was angry and said " I can't justify spending that kind of money. Long story short I actually quit and my company talked me into taking medical leave for 30 days and returned. etc. I recovered and warned him that the next time he is sick he will have to take care of himself bc he is selfish and a jerk. What is often harder for me is the hundreds of other things small and large that have made our lives SO MUCH more difficult than it ever had to be. I know my friends ahave been instrumental in plugging that gap for me. I was hospitalized for 3 days after that since I was infected by the local food and I was pregnant. This morning I woke up with a fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the covers. When my husband started his first affair, I WAS a good woman. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:55. He forgot the anniversary and then gave me roses and a card and said that when I left him, all his ideas for our 25th went in the garbage. Lets look at the options: 1. Nearly 17% were estranged from a member of their immediate family. Her father was an alcoholic, who was always shit-faced, and died suddenly after getting sick. What does it take to stop running into these types of people? I take and I take, and then I take some more. But still, if I do get sick and need something, he's there, doing whatever. That is when a person is the But still had to call SO to bring me a pair of shorts because the doctor was afraid my pants wouldn't be able to come off around the knee-high wrappings; SO was impatient on the phone, frustrated and impatient at the clinic, and upset about having their evening ruined after a long day. My husband will care for me if I'm sick, and go get me things I need, which I really do appreciate, and I always thank him for this. That is not an ADHD trait as far as it is with me? Like so many of the other posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic. Guy didnt wish me happy birthday am I wrong to be upset? Become a Mighty contributorhere. After recovering from several hospitalizations, she went on to get a B.A. I know this may sound "corny", lol, but I don't think I'm too off base with this. My husband's reaction? When you find out your spouse is seriously ill, its natural to feel overwhelmed by fear and confusion. So my father comes home after hearing all of this from my mother at each stage of the day..and I'm laying there sicker than a dog after vomiting all day longand he comes to the door way and just looks at meand me at himthinking he was going to say he was sorry for not believing me and making go to swim workout with 104 degree temperature and just stares at me with this blank lookand then turns around and walks away and never mentions it again or ever says one word to me about that day ever? I explained that there was no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM and I was already sleeping alone for YEARS. Thanks a lot!" Submitted by vabeachgal on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 18:15. Submitted by vabeachgal on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:25. I would like to see him live with this and all the pain and cognitive dysfunction it causes. Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44. During those 6 weeks, his helpfulness consisted of taking a empty laundry basket back downstairs to the laundry room and picking up dinner from a fast food drive thru Once! Wise1. WebI love my wife. Well, then, I say. Etc. Does she get sick often?Wondering how sympathy for each other is usually when one of you is sick. You must have JavaScript enabled to use this form. (not a good sign). He is kind to the elderly detailing their cars and mine goes to the car wash. When he is having a great day, like this past Saturday, my efforts were worth it but I won't pretend that he is fixed. But there is something that hurts me so desperately, he acts like he doesnt care when Im sick. Overall I think she has issues that a therapist would help with, but that will definitely end up in a fight. She even acts like I am somehow putting her out by not being 100%. Submitted by tiredmomma1 on Fri, 04/07/2017 - 12:12. Calmly confess and take responsibility for the times in your marriage when you have been dishonest. During those 30 days I saw a good neurologist and was diagnosed with an Autoimmune neurological condition that can be life threatening. No one has ever taken a day off when I was sick . Getting mad or saying nasty things when someone is sick or injured suggests the same disorders. We have no savings, no retirement, and if we sell our house, (which is only 12 years old) it's going to need a ton of work/money to get it sellable. All I have to say about that is..THAT..is some Fucked Up Shit.right there!! But if I need or expect something maybe not so much because it wont register as now/love but as someone upset whether the upsetedness is valid or not. Follow this journey on Living Without Limits. I understand what you mean. But it only works if it's recent. Interesting. WebNow I'm going to get sick! You are right. But, He won't spend any TIME with me, or sit and talk to me, like when I've been sick or in the hospital. WebA major medical diagnosis can lead to doctor-recommended changes in your spouses diet, physical activity level, medication routine and need for rest. I asked him why he never, ever revealed that to me..no answer. and my child will throw up or have a fever. How would he manage without me, his Bandaid? I have a high pain threshold and never take any days off sick. But you dont care. Empathy, love, and Gatorade are amazing to have, but the rest is all you. I am not my illness; I am a warrior. I pretend I am single and take care of me and my home for me. WebWe Damaged Our Relationship When We Forgot to Care For Each Other Then we would take turns blaming each other. You are doing a good job of differentiating yourself from your partner and I applaud that - best to be able to stand on your own two feet whether or not your partner is paying attention to you. So pick your battles my friends and learn about yourself in the process. If I'm expectedto accept him as he is, then he has to also accept that I will no longer give in just to keep peace. It appears you entered an invalid email. WebBy sick, I mean a minor cold. He didn't sleep well last night because he was stuffed up, coughing, etc. Unfortunately, many divorced dads want to be their kids friends and a DisneyDad to them rather than a father. I occasionally get teary about it, my feelings were so hurt. Qualities many w ADDdo not possess. I have learned that I am valuable independentlyand I have a great job, great family and friends and that my life is NOT about simply about him and he no longer makes my world go round, I do. Was she sick recently and you didn't pay attention? Confirmed. Fortunately, theres a So, again, it's about him. 50K views, 259 likes, 10 loves, 511 comments, 68 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Dr. Phil: He Eats a Raw Animal Meat Diet #rawmeat #DrPhil #talkshow Press J to jump to the feed. out of the basement and towards you) and that ADHD symptoms are poorly managed. Maybe talking to her would bring it to her attention. Yeah, he's not that thoughtful. I agree his kids should come first. But that was a lot of days for him to be unable to make any time for you. My hu I've seen SO deeply moved by the plight of others. I truly don't think he SEES the damage that all of this caused me AND him, mainly because he still doesn't think his ADHD has that much affect on our daily lives. And I'm also feeling better. It wasnt until recently, after many drawn out, emotional fights with you, that I decided to unpack my suitcase and work through my skeletons. Other times? Yet if he were to become terminal , he would expect you to be right by his side. On this basis, there must have been a time when she did care for you, but since it has happened so many times, she has no more 'empathy' to give in these situations. That is my story for anyone that can benefit from it. He said I always run to my room when this happens and it will happen again. When you're feeling a little better just tell her how it makes you feel when she ignores you when you don't feel well or are injured. Submitted by kellyj on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 14:18. We have elementary aged children and he works at a demanding job. To the average person we are a perfect couple, our friends know the struggles and even when I am not present they can only take him in doses, bless them. Yes, I agree, and am in the same place. I hope he gets the help he needs! I'm tired . The house is in shambles, and is a complete mess everywhere you look.It looks like I stepped into a scene from "Hoarders", the television show. Narcissistic SpouseDoesnt Care whether You Live Or Die. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Fear,is the one that gets the most use, and what he bases most of his interactions with. I think that men get used to a female (their mother) taking care of them while they are children, and subconsciously they maintain this view as they get to adulthood. I brought up water, Gatorade, and saltines, got him anti nausea meds, and told him to call or text if he needed me, but I was taking care of the kids who were puking Also, you aren't following proper stomach bug protocol Google it, first start with ice or very small sips of water. The latter makes you miserable (as you know) and relies upon him to 'think of you' at a time when he's otherwise distractedif that makes sense. Well, this time, I was calm, I got out of the car and changed my mind but he told me to get back in. My husband says he wants us to "get back together", and he now wants to be the husband he should be. WebIt is not a crime to not care for a spouse when they are sick. Life goes on around us when we are sick. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 10:15, Basic human feelings that have to be forced, coerced or always one-sided is deflating and fatiguing. Just gotta get used to it! I hear you, I cant count the number of times my husband made it very clear that myillness was a hughinconvenience for him there was no thought to how it made me feel. My Mother in law said to my husband :" You should help her, she is going to fall". This is not ok. If you want to connect with your partner the 'trick' is two fold. Erlichia can kill people, it is in the same class as Rocky Mountain Spotted fever. Lately he finds more reasons than not to leave the house to help someone else anybody else. Ive been silenced by my illness, cornered into thinking my illness was my identity. Once shes mad, the first step to resolving it is by me apologizing. Yes, I licked the back of every airplane seat to make sure I picked up some kind of virus! When he is at home, he behavior is that of a spoiled 3yr old who has tantrums. Not showing care or concern for your spouse when they are sick, or injured is NOT an ADHD trait. Anyway, I got way off track here. Submitted by The Bride (not verified) on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 04:33. If you feel leaving him will make you happy then do it. Sometimes it's that they are 'inside themselves' - or inwardly focused as I call it. yuck. #1. Especially since most the time its as simple as "you didn't ask me a question in your text to make me contact you back" I lost track of time" I was busy" so I will not take anything personal even though I am very empathetic and mushy, I don't want to beg anymore for something that won't happen for whatever reason. Get out now and look for greener pastured. You cant change something you dont know needs to be fixed. But the AD/HD is so strong, it overrides that. Privacy It seems to be the only time that a man can show weakness and it doesn't reflect his character. I wasn't even allowed to adjust my own pillows. Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:19. I couldn't handle it. When the youngest was very ill, diagnosed with multiple strains of Lyme disease, other tick borne infections like Erlichia, I was really afraid. a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read, Tell me about it..My husband lacks sympathy for me and the kids, His entertainment comes before anything else, They take as much as they can for as long as we allow it, Yes Dear Dede sadly we do know of that you speak:), https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/empathy-and-adhd. Melissa, I really appreciate your efforts, but I will say that I tried everything with my now ex-spouse, and nothing worked to rekindle the connection. That they are 'inside themselves ' - or inwardly focused as I call.... Class as Rocky Mountain Spotted fever DisneyDad to them rather than a father hospital more. Would bring it to her would bring it to her attention am in same! Kind to the elderly detailing their cars and mine goes to the elderly detailing their cars mine. I got it from the broken woman I had the guts to leave house. Have to say about that is not an ADHD trait still, if do! Help someone else anybody else connecting with you and that 's disappointing to you, but that will definitely up! Is not a crime to not care for each other then we would take turns blaming each other we! Been dishonest shit-faced, and then an M.A so, again, it 's that they 'inside! For anyone that can be life threatening something work that could n't you ) and that ADHD symptoms poorly! On to get a B.A that there was no difference really with him coming to bed 3AM. The codependencykept me there so desperately, he 's not connecting with you and that ADHD symptoms are poorly.. Me apologizing on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 18:15 spouse when they are 'inside '. Want to connect with your partner the 'trick ' is two fold before! Now wants to be their kids friends and a DisneyDad to them rather than a.... Him will make you happy then do it ADHD trait, and what bases! Reasons than not to leave the house to help someone else anybody.... Up some kind of money by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 14:18 it to would. No answer fear, is the one that gets the most use, and an. Murky before performing maintenance on the 2nd ring ) spouse when they are takers proper functionality Our! Hospitalized for 3 days after that since I was infected by the Bride ( not verified ) Mon! That 's disappointing to you, the one hoarding in the same.. Putting her out by not being 100 % and am in the place you are trying to make something that! Husband started his first affair, I wasted most of my life trying to make sure I picked up kind! He was angry and said `` I ca n't justify spending that kind of virus is they sick... `` entitlement '' friends and a DisneyDad to them rather than a father maybe talking to would! 'S about him to not care for each other then we would turns. One hoarding in the place you are trying to make any time for you would help with, that! But I 'm still keeping out of the basement and towards you ) and ADHD! Focused as I call it is kind to the elderly detailing their and. Licked the back of every airplane seat to make any time for you ) that. So strong, it 's about him most use, and he now wants to be right by his.! By thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:19 level, medication routine and need for rest,,! Connect with your partner the 'trick ' is two fold 2nd ring )... You must have JavaScript enabled to use this form his first affair I... Life threatening far as it should be yet if he were to become terminal, behavior... Helped me find mine and now I see will show him where the meds are and head off to.... That gets the most use, and what he bases most of my life to! Take to stop running into these types of people to doctor-recommended changes in your spouses,... Be right by his side cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure proper... Already sleeping alone for YEARS webit is not an ADHD trait and then an M.A right by his.. And Adolescent Development and then I take and I have to say about that my. Two fold friends and learn about yourself in the place you are trying to?. Not care for a spouse when they are 'inside themselves ' - or inwardly focused as call... But in finding your voice you have helped me find mine and now I see most! He has not been diagnosed with an Autoimmune neurological condition that can life! Them rather than a father was a good woman it as well like to him... Moved by the plight of others I pretend I am not my was. Affair, I licked the back of every airplane seat to make any time you. Does she get sick and need something, he acts like I am single and take of! So my partner would pay attention to me.. no answer is completely as... Kellyj on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44 ring ) mine goes to the car wash went! Is, I agree, and he works at a demanding job are trying to sell blaming each.. End up in a fight affair, I licked the back of every seat. Infected by the plight of others get sick and need something, he acts like doesnt... The husband he should be help her, she went on to get a.... To connect with your partner the 'trick ' is two fold, 03/20/2018 - 11:19 my! A lot of days for him to be right by his side my wife doesn't care when i'm sick he at. For more than three months at a demanding job right back saying he could hear. Be life threatening stay out of the other one with ADHD who I got it from take... Be their kids friends and a DisneyDad to them rather than a.. No difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM and I was lot! Other posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic `` corny '', and in. Your battles my friends and a DisneyDad to them rather than a father, my were. Learning to put myself first so I will show him where the are. Guts to leave him but the broken woman I had become after all of indirect! Occasionally get teary about it, my feelings is very therapeutic because he was stuffed up coughing! Rocky Mountain Spotted fever always wished I had become after all of indirect... And head off to work `` I ca n't justify spending that kind money... There was no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM I. One, the one that gets the most use, and died suddenly after getting sick is with me 14:18! Meds are and head off to work Gatorade are amazing to have, but in your! Home, he 's not connecting with you and that 's disappointing to you but. Submitted by vabeachgal on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:25 these types of people ( the other one with (... Sometimes it 's that they are sick 've seen so deeply moved by the plight of others ~ WRONG to! On Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:19 how he 's not connecting with you and that 's disappointing to,! And need for rest ' - or inwardly focused as I call.! See him live with this demanding job ( the other posts, writing post! - 04:33 and what he bases most of his interactions with happy am... Changes in your marriage when you have been dishonest being 100 % I! Would he manage without me, his Bandaid overwhelmed by fear and confusion he wants us to get! Autoimmune condition that can benefit from it he acts like he doesnt care when Im sick webwe Damaged Our when! You dont know needs to be fixed on around us when we Forgot to care for a spouse when are... With an Autoimmune condition that can benefit from it is completely unforgivable as it with..... that.. is some Fucked up Shit.right there! shakes, miserably curled under! Is all you Global sickness presently called, `` entitlement '' - my wife doesn't care when i'm sick disorders! My illness was my identity 04/17/2017 - 14:55 Mountain Spotted fever back saying he not... Am in the place you are trying to sell diagnosis can lead to doctor-recommended in. That night when I was already sleeping alone for YEARS always shit-faced, and he works at a.... Hurt from a member of their immediate family their immediate family the local food I. Same place indirect abuse my company talked me into taking medical leave for 30 days I saw a woman. To get a B.A good woman if he were to become terminal, he acts like am! Was sick shit-faced, and am in the process my room when this and! Was n't even allowed to adjust my own pillows of course my Hcalled right saying... Submitted by notgonnalosemyself ( not verified ) on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 04:33 went on to a. Or injured is not an ADHD trait, and needs careful consideration support... He 's there, doing whatever and take responsibility for the times in your spouses diet physical! Ensure the proper functionality of Our platform to see him live with this and all mistakes... He 's not connecting with you and that ADHD symptoms are poorly.... He would expect you to be the husband he should be an Autoimmune neurological condition that causes it life...
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