adhd boyfriend broke up with me

My friends say he will call, just give him a few days or a week. I myself was diagnosed at 25 years old and have been divorced shortly thereafter at 28 and now I am 38 and seeking to end a relationship. Anything to avoid facing that misery again. But damn, I might have actually broken something. Unfortunately, ADHD symptoms themselves can inhibit the persons ability to see their own ADHD symptoms or that they are causing problems for them and their relationship. ADHD partner always blocks me and breaks up. I do still have surges of anger when I see socks on the floor sometimes and find myself returning to the mindset of that dark period where I began to believe he had stopped truly caring about me, but I can take a breath and remember that if I expressed those feelings to him, he will do his best to understand and even if he cant completely relate, he will give me the benefit of the doubt and tell me that he cares about how hard things can be for me. The ice cream will prevent nausea., Like clockwork, he showed up with the pills and the ice cream every four hoursor was it 2? Ive often wished for some kind of joy buzzer to give him a good zap when I need him. He knows/fears that it means then hell have to become more responsible. And it feels malicious I know its not but the fact that he wont get help makes me feel like this is his choice To make my life as difficult as possible..And I have spent so much time and effort trying to understand and help him and I feel like this man understands nothing about me and doesnt even know me And isnt even interested in doing so. FINALLY, the fact that you are only just now starting to think about medication means you have either intentionally ignored good advice or never received it. They are out of steamand out of caring. Youve already learned that you can be with someone you love, who loves you. If he hasnt made any progress within a couple of years of diagnosis and uses adhd as an excuse, I would say maybe cut your losses. Never saw my husband until I collapsed on the floor. He continued to lie to me, and the way he handled the situation with this woman ( who is a full-on drug user, AND the wife of his friend who is in jail ), I have just reached the conclusion that he has other undiagnosed mental problems that I cannot tolerate. If you knew me , you would know this is so not something you would ever think would happen to me. I am so very sorry to learn of your situation. I am trying my best to move on from the intrusive thoughts that They often (1) express that the non-AD/HD partner isnt compassionate enough, (2) suggest that the conflict was due to my high expectations, (3) suggest that my codependency is the issue, and (4) do not hold the AD/HD partner (ie, my husband) responsible for either his choices or his actions; instead, because I am the stronger of the two, that responsibility is mine. They eventually break up, and then make-up, and then break up. My ex boyfriend and I broke up 14 days ago. But I became hesitant to discuss anything of importance with him, because the fallout was always so exhausting. Happening upon his Change Your Brain, Change Your Life at the local library is how I first learned about Adult ADHD. I Dont Nag!! You can take my word for it or not. Let me tell you about it. Later when I talked to him about it privately, it was like we were in two different realities. We had a disagreement a while back about whether the holes in the backyard fence were big enough to see through or not. He showed me diligence, compassion, and care. This is NOT to give you hope, but for you to understand that just because he has ADHD . All the years of criticizing and shaming him make me so sad. I was diagnosed last year and my wife and I have been married a bit over ten years. Without her help I would have never realized I had the disorder to begin with, and I feel like I owe her so much. Bless him. A little bit fun, yes. Your email address will not be published. Today it was so bad that I thought I might just have to leave the situation and let her face life on its own. And best of luck with bridging the gaps. Let me preface this with my daughters father (the one I am trying to end it now with) I am pretty sure that he also has ADD, but a different type than myself and our daughter. Or worse. The other day we brainstormed other boundaries to help her stay sane and me stay organized. Thanks for your comment, and good luck to the both of you! That explains it. Humans come with variable capacities, especially when it comes to higher-order brain functions such as empathy. On the other hand, depending on what is shared, a break up might be a healthy option. He has short term memory and is more impressed when a doctor says it than when I do since he has also developed husbands ear, which is not limited to ADHD husbands, where what I say goes in one side and out the other without pausing. Perhaps as responsibilities overwhelmed her and life wasnt as fun anymore. He sees me as overly negative and if his utterances are any indication, a pest. I guess that, compared to her ICU patients, his discomfort doesnt ring her bell. He can be amazing but all the bad stuff is undoing the good and he doesnt ever see it. I was in a semi-stupor. It is done without a reason or an explanation from the person doing it. If you havent already, I encourage you to read my first book. It doesnt help that I am naturally a friendly and charming person to most people. In the case where you dumped the guy, one common reason is that the guy doesn't want to be alone, he doesn't want to deal with his grief over the breakup, and he doesn't want to "deal with himself.". I want to share with you what I have learned and what loving someone with ADHD is like: 1. I (33F) broke up with my ADHD boyfriend (35M) a couple months ago, and am having trouble dealing with the resentment, bitterness, and guilt post-breakup. The big takeaway This study is the first to track how long breakups affect emotional states by analyzing language data. Hes smart, funny, kind, and cute. I have accomplished things in my life in spite of the sabotage and chaos from his mind, actions and inaction, but I feel I have wasted at least half of my adult life dealing with his dysfunctional issues. But its a problem, and I made sure to address the problem in my book. I find your burnout quite understandable. In the meantime, M and I will continue our work and hopefully model change to J. She believes she is well regulated and I am the one to change. No part of this blog may be reproduced in any form or by any means, without permission in writing from the publisher, except for the inclusion of brief quotations. Now he tries to remember to keep one earphone off in case I need him. Most professionals hadnt received the memo. Hes learned. Ive written a few posts on empathy and dopamine-transmission and one post in particular about a friend who feared she was raising a narcissist until her child was finally diagnosed and treated for ADHD. Why? I do not rely on him for my care, kids care, house care, animal care, etc. All of my paranoia began when I realized that he was looking at MY phone all the time, and then concocted insane stories based on texts (etc.) I tipped into considering divorce was when I had an epileptic seizure and I had to go to hospital. Anyways, I have created a list of how I can better support him & reminders for myself like His symptoms are not a reflection of how he feels about me & Give him more time/space than you deem feasible. So I stopped taking them, feeling happy and in control but tired. I spent 30 years working on myself, learning to accept, staying in my own lane etc. Complains he doesnt get enough sex but I am not attracted to someone I have to mother and if you spend your whole night out in the garage playing with your cars and no attention to me then you will not get any. Too little, too late, say many partners of adults with late-diagnosis ADHD. But over time, the risk is getting so worn out and hurt, they dont know which way is up anymore. And with one child having ADHD and the other Downs, with all the special assistance both conditions requireI cant imagine. By the way, Im not sighing because I dont want to help you, I think Im just sighing because my brain is switching gears. Its like a part of my brain is sighing, but not my heart, or my higher brain I absolutely want to help him, and make him feel supported. Ive gone through hell with this man, and after doing research I get You couldnt tell. ADHD has been a hurdle but this on top of it is a mountain. His therapist seems to know nothing about ADHD. Instead of juggling a million balls (how everything feels to him) whatever happens between us hes got this one response. recently we had our first emotional . I look forward to reading your materials. Because it hits all the sore spots that have been criticized for years. I watched him nurse his sick pets, and Ive seen him be a damn good shoulder to friends & family in need. I began taking Concerta at that time,and it did help, but major damage had already been done, and it was not reversible. I do it only so others will find this life-changing information. this article. They eventually break up, permanently, but stay connected in some way. Im still in my relationship and I would have left a year ago but in my situation, leaving will result in (temporary) homelessness. Its been 40 long years. They might think they are strong enough, in the beginning. They are trying to make sense of it on the fly. Really. Self-medicating is a common phenomenon with undiagnosed ADHD, with all kinds of substances and activities (e.g. Divorce is not what I ever wanted, but it was the only option I could imagine. I don't doubt at all that I could have a meaningful relationship with someone with ADHD, but I . I do want to marry her, but the prospect of this behavioral paradigm being the template for the rest of my life is desperately daunting. How frustrating! Because I was passed out on the @#$%ing floor. Help us make routines and help us stick to them. A version of this post appeared May 24, 2015. I feel so stupid . I lost a husband and the companionship I enjoyed so much early on, but I gained a wonderful sonmy gift. After almost 20 years together, Im clear that there is a deep down kindness in my husband. But I said something inappropriate and bratty in a text, so she cancelled; 2 days after she told me she knew I was the one for her So it wasnt a question of love. Im grateful for the information you have presented. I was raised predominately by my narcissistic mother with a younger and very troubled sister. Check out the group. my boyfriend and i have been together for 6 months and we've always had good communication and have been good listeners to each other. A year ago I came across your Rollercoaster book. I created a course exactly for people in this situation and for those where the ADHD partner is in denial and many more. Dexedrine. Finally, I said, Stop! I have only started researching his symptoms in the last couple of months. If someone loves you, adhd or not, they will stay. Of course not because he hyper-focuses on his computer game or writing or whatever the magic screen has on it. You might tell yourself, My partner cares about me deep down.. 1) COVID pushed marginally coping situations into the danger zone, and Ugh. People who struggle with ADHD are very different from those . I couldnt get him to help me with anything, he wouldnt even take his trash and dishes to the kitchen, Id have to go hunt for them. How ADHD Affects Friendships. Moreover, their ADHD partners deserve better, too. Chronic irresponsibility is abuse, regardless if they have a note from their doctor. I have no food or water even, unless I call my 20-year-old son. Many times, ADHD in women is misdiagnosed as BPD. I would describe . I didnt realize until later that I had a life-threatening bacterial infection, and had almost died. I devote a good part of Course 1 to this: https://adhdsuccesstraining.com/solving-your-adult-adhd-puzzle-for-couples-and-individuals/. I dont mean it has less value or that these folks are being rude. Yet he came across incredibly self-aware and compassionate, as well as brilliant and adventurous, so this didnt scare me off. Im glad you found my blog, too. I hope that you can get on that soon. Her responsibility is to herself. So hes on medication now and things are so much better, but he still has ADHD and it still trips us up in hurtful ways. Maybe counseling would help. The best decision might have been to leave. These 6 signs will tell you if a break-up with an avoidant is not final, it's only temporary. This misguided advice does not come from experts. He is a former drug user, who has used a wide array of hard drugs, and is currently still self-medicating with daily marijuana and alcohol, and although I gave him several chances with the dealbreaker boundaries I set forth from the beginning ( he was honest with me on the first date about SOME of his former drug use, but I found out as time went on that it was MUCH more than what he had told me ). Yes, maybe both. His attention was focused on showing you around the shop, and he couldnt transition to the guy falling through the roof. ), twist in the road for us. Now he was acting like Id dragged him out here and I was forcing him to cancel on his friendI tried to explain this. Impose The Three-Day Waiting Period. In our case, my husband was reliable on some level. He said, You are a very lucky lady. Im feeling pretty hopeless, ashamed, and increasingly detached from my wife as I continue to let her down, miscommunicate, fight with her, and lose her trust. Heres the thing. Its a very tricky diagnosis. I now say things out loud over and over until the information goes in, with my partner, and this signals to him that ive heard and am attempting to process. Im not sure how what you describe is gaslighting. But I understand how bizarre and blaming it must seem. You are obviously strong and have been taking care of so much. But its not. The feeling then often passes without even needing this, just knowing I can have that if I need it. Dr. Its just managing that pesky ADHD bit that got in the way. That can be my swan song, so that my conscience can be clear moving forward. Will he miss me enough to contact me? In my experience, I truly was convinced that my spouse did love me but didnt know how to show it. Including on learning about ADHD. Plus, there are often reading impairments. When I FINALLY figured out if giving him the master bedroom in a huge house as his office and he could make as much of a mess as he wants in there but keep it to his room left us with a hole he cut in the floor in another bedroom with the promise to make a hatch within 2 weeks and that room empty the entire time we owned that house (a friend fixed the subfloor for us lol) and in the end, his clutter gradually spread until I was begging him to JUST KEEP HIS CRAP OFF THE COUCH. How refreshing that this article did not first say the nagging partner. My husband received a text from a friend to confirm plans they had made while we were sitting in heavy conversation with the very people who had abused and neglected me, and he was worried about having put off this friend too long. https://adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/qa-adult-adhd-focused-couple-therapy/. Thank you for giving me a safe space to talk about it, and thank you for advocating for BOTH partners in an ADHD relationship. e.g. I dont know the rules of break ups, usually I am the person who is doing the breaking up because of the other person cheating or lying or whatever. That you are sorry things had to end the way that they did and that you look forward to growing out of the ADD slump youve been in your entire life and couldnt have done it without her help. Every breakup just adds more pain, so when the two of you break up, it's just more weight on his shoulders. This is a different relationship and I guess Im just looking for answers of some kind. Haha ya think, Gina? I thought that, if I create a safe, loving environment for him in our relationship, it would become easier for him to be present with me, and also to address his challenges. Maybe if she sees you being pro-active, etc.., she will be more receptive. As she explains what she's endured, however, her decision to break things off seems valid. How? On top of that Saturday will be my last day employed as my remote position is being move to the office 5 states away and I cant just leave her with no support. I could sense something was wrong (woman's intuition) and asked him whether there was something he wanted to tell me a couple of days after the party, to which he said no. girlfriends or affiliates in church callings etc The idea that therapists and coaches have a tendency to protect their clients. Then, as restrictions started easing, they could expand their options. The financial part of that is hard at the moment, but since hes left he has been forced to actually see the disaster we are in and hes starting to address it at least a little bit. Just.what?? Oh and I work full time and I HAVE MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS!! Medication can be very helpful. So right in the middle of this tense scene, he texts me while sitting right next to me and asks if well be back in time for him to go to this event with this friend he felt guilt about having cancelled on. I have been married to a man with ADHD for 44 years. Loads of people with mental health conditions are able to enjoy long lasting, fulfilling, happy relationships. She has a (failing) business. But rest assured: Ive had plenty of opportunity for walking the talk at home. Its rather common, in fact. But the basement is now free of the black mold the contractors we hired to take care of the water problem (it literally rained in the basement whenever the central A/C came on lol that one took some time to figure out) unwittingly let into the rest of the house when they took down some walls and at least recognized it and we went in debt to get that stuff fixed and all the ductwork ripped out and a completely different kind of heating system installed but not in the part of the house that was going to get ripped apart for renovations that never happened because well the family friend wasnt a partner he was a pion allowed to think he was a partner and the guy who ran the company for real was a um the words that come to mind arent even PG-13 rated and the planned work never got done Turns out neither of us really like living there and were probably going to have to sell the dogs retirement yard because I cant even take the train anymore. 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