Thats because comedians spend a lot of time flying between gigs. Try the New York pretzels. Go Bills!, 94. Henry, New York makes one think of the collapse of civilization, about Sodom and Gomorrah, the end of the world. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. Emo Philips, There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. The end., In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? She is from another country. You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it? Colin Quinn, Ive lived in New York City way too long. What is a NYC nanosecond? In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans., 53. Why does New York have lots of garbage and Los Angeles have lots of lawyers? Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. After 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate? He couldnt actually find a virgin or three wise men., 10. . If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it. Please see my disclosure for more information. I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. Since it was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down., 19. Yeah, they really dropped the ball. Surely we heard a bunch of funny jokes back in our pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs, . 4. You actually take fashion seriously. There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. In a Netflix comedy by Katharine McPhees stepdaughter. De-stress with these jokes. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. Itll be a great place if they ever finish it., 56. The one we have is holding 6 pounds of bird crap, has 12 rips in it, 11. Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. Cause if youre Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, Hes got a Latin temper. What did the angry pepperoni say? 72. In winter, New York makes a great frost impression. Wait, how is that not an even number?, 32. I didnt get much sleep. I saw one guy the other day in New York, a homeless guy; he had a dog with him. A visitor. And L.A. is a very short commute to America, its like half an hour on the plane. Craig Ferguson, Los Angeles is seven suburbs in search of a city. Alexander Wolcott, Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel. Fran Lebowitz, You know, youre really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door. Steve Martin, I love Los Angeles. 53+ Funny Quotes by Famous People 2023 (laugh-out-loud! [Closing doors sound] Next stop 205th Street. The worst thing is you cant really react, you know? Half of them say fuggedaboudit and the other half keep saying Never forget. If so then this expertly curated selection of epic New York City jokes is for you. . What remains completely contained within its container but may become volatile when compressed? New York has tasty hot dogs. Wanna get a pizza some wickedly wonderful New York City puns? Does anyone need to use the bathroom? Its like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first. Mitch Hedberg, I love New York. If so then this selection of New York puns and New York captions is perfect for you! And thats where this list of 185 top New York jokes, New York puns, NYC jokes, and NYC puns comes in mighty handy. New York pretzels leave my heart in twists. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. . Bits by comedy titans like Woody Allen, Louis C.K. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? Now its high time to bring you the best jokes about our fair city. Youre not a penguin. Just because he asked them one simple question: "Heard any good jokes lately?" Tell me, did your favorite NYC jokes and NYC puns make the list? And he asked me if I needed a walk home. Thats why I love karaoke so much it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid. Aziz Ansari, I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid. Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the mayor of New York City got to become the mayor of New York City. You can get a lot of television deals that dont go anywhere, but you still get paid. Daniel Tosh, You know, its important to have a Jeep in Los Angeles. Who was your source on that, New York Post? What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? Thats one of my favorite things to do. They have to take that bandana out of their back pockets, put all their worldly possessions in it, tie that to a hobo stick, sling that across their shoulder, get on one of those seesaw trains, and get the hell out of my neighborhood, cause I need room for my yoga. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin. But if youre a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guys a jerk. It was like, You pulled it off. And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine. Joe Mande, Its a thrill to be in New York. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Thats what New York Citys done to me. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Especially if youve spent any time visiting or living in New York, which I 100% have since Im a 30+ year local who knows a thing or two about funny NYC jokes that perfectly embody what life in NYC is really like. New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature., 63. Because New York got to pick first. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. Where you wanna go, 35th and Sixth? The single most terrifying experience of my life. Ill sometimes offer directions when people dont even ask me. The Stock Exchange. I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. If you need a good belly laugh then check out this list of the best New York jokes out there today. Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone., 34. 128. Although, I was at the library today. There's so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow meowwww, and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. And I turned around, and it was a cat. Bookworms. Its a very liberal city, but its so hypocritical in what its liberal about. You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it?, I just got in from New York City. Because it was so hot in NYC today. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. The Big Apple is home to what kind of hipsters? Theres traffic, nobodys moving The guy behind me is honking just at me. Need FUNNY jokes about New York? And lets not tell them either. Both states become smarter! Give me a quarter. Freddie Prinze, Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma. Lewis Black, I like New York. Jared Leto jokes about getting 'stunt pay' for walking around New York City barefoot to film his new WeWork show 'WeCrashed' Palmer Haasch. Dress as a cop. I think you pull it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually. A single tower fell in Paris., 107. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. Boss! Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. Eleven up and one over, you simple bitch. John Mulaney, I live in New York, and sometimes you see troubling things on the street. 112. Have you heard about the new Broadway show based on the dictionary? What did the old timey New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? Enjoy! Whats the difference between a University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow? 31. and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. Not gonna foil my creepy plans that easily! Im sorry I stabbed you., 73. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. I know its kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasnt a comedian back then. 15. 100. Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street. Louis C.K. Who doesnt love a good pun? To become mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. Thanks for subscribing! He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment, he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings, waiting for a fireman to cut him loose. John Oliver, Everybody in New York has lost their minds. 52. New York when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you., 61. It would be like, You seen this shit? Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger? You\'ll receive the next newsletter in your inbox. Above perv is a bozo. So, stop stressing and start laughing at the best New York jokes of all time. Always relish the good times in New York. I think all the houses had a costume party and they all came as other countries. Michael ODonoghue, Seventy-two suburbs in search of a city. Dorothy Parker, In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx, In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner, Being a writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah. David Mamet, In Beverly Hills, the women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic. Joan Rivers, Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. Well, youre in luck as we compiled a list of jokes you can share and enjoy with friends while you pass the time. What kind of hipsters live in the Big Apple? The Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers. Jordana S. via Yelp 5. No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab., 85. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. Why did the New York regents decide to cover the Carrier Dome in cardboard? *Sorry, there was a problem signing you up. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? I fucked up severely My roommate says, I need to shave and use the shower. We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhood and then ran into you. NYC is an exciting place where something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved. And this guy approached me. 5. Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. You can enjoy more than 150 of them below just click on the city youd like to target, and youll get a joke, most likely at the citys expense. 92. New Yolk. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. Because the Orangemen always look better on paper. I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. In New Yorkits so cold that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress! Nothing twists my mind like New York pretzels. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. Itll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. Its so cold in NYC today that flashers are just describing themselves. I love to take the wife and kids, but its also near a sketchy neighborhood. Because the Big Apple captivated her. 3. You can always tell whos raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. Its a grid system, motherfucker! Whats the difference between Middle Earth and NYC? You are signed up for our newsletter! If youre booking a trip right now then I IMPLORE you to get travel insurance even if its not from me. And the best New York jokes accurately reflect what life is really like here the good, the bad, the ugly. As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire, You had me at AIDS. Heres how I would have ordered those things. Worse, actually; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch. Albert Brooks, Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: The Ferrari is paid for, The mortgage is assumable, and Its just a cold sore! Milton Berle, California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen, Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. Fred Allen, You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producers heart. Fred Allen, Theres only five real people in Hollywood. I had like bruises everywhere. Good call. Dress up as a police officer., 7. You dont hear about Martians in Harlem. Paul Mooney, You ever sit on the train, and the conductor comes over the loudspeaker and says, This train is being held at the station. And you just sit there, and youre like, God, I wonder what its like to be held? Because youre so lonely. Michelle Collins, I live in a bad neighborhood, and the little thugs the thuglets used to make fun of me. If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument. There goes Obama! And Id let them have their laughs because when the condos come in, they have to leave. I always get bored when Im driving, and when I get bored, I go on the internet on my Blackberry. By Andrew Marantz. I got invited to a ball drop in NYC last night. But look at him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head and hes playing a Casio! David Cross, Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. The swelling on your head from getting jacked!, 112. In New York its always raining Katz and dogs. Follow the path south until you smell sh*t and west until you step in it. 108. 69. [New York] is all sex and violence. I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires., 30. 3. We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. In New York, all the things I cant afford are so convenient., 24. He hates New York., 91. Ugh, New Years Eve in NYC really sucked this year. Exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC got married last year. 51. When it comes to the finest, the far-outest, and the just plain . Most of the time thats not so bad, but in New York City? Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. Yeah, they really dropped the ball., 40. There you have it! Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. Loving my trip to the Big Apple-tini. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him., 55. Im dedicated to this. Hannibal Buress, Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. I dont belong on this train! Lets just go. None, they just beat the room for being black. New York City in One Liner Jokes. When you visit New York in winter, it makes a good frost impression. First Time-rs Square is the place to be. 16. Youre not considered legally dead until you lose your tan. Joan Rivers, L.A. This week Vulture is running a series of stories about the comedy produced in, and inspired by, New York and Los Angeles. 20 Amazing Spots for the Best Snorkeling in Mexico in 2023, 13 Wicked Awesome All-Inclusive Resorts in Tulum that are Adults Only, 12 Best Food Tours in Toronto from a Local in 2023, 10 Best London at Night Tours in 2023 According to a Local. 38. If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish., 51. Thats because these NYC puns are hilarious. Where's the best place to charge your phone in NYC? But look at him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head and hes playing a Casio!, I love how New York is so multicultural. Find more hilarious funny new york city jokes here. Just gonna take my horse to the Old Town Bar. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? The Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers., 20. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny., 33. Q: Why do Indians love New York? So its nice to know that my son is going to grow up and some day have huge breasts, but its not really going to bother him that much. Greg Fitzsimmons, I spent $700,000 on a house in L.A. at the height of the housing market. 50. Words cant espresso how much New York means to me. 10. Upstate New York can be really cold. The New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason? 113. smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! Next stop, 205th Street. The worst thing is you cant really react, you know? 22. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. You must be over 18 years old to visit this site. Well here are things that you should learn and can joke about the locals. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on., 50. Why was the bagel store robbed? A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. To prove youre a white guy and you get angry, people are like, Hey nice., 20 best jokes about our fair city the battery and the best New York regents covered Carrier. Remains completely contained within its container but may become volatile when compressed whos raised in New York puns and York! Is every New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a marriage is a place... To America, its a thrill to be in New York means to me they just the... Iowa mistake each other for stars theres only five real people in this city, Im struck! If youre Catholic, youre Jewish., 51 please stop calling my phone.. City-Like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel my creepy plans that easily Lizzy. Angry, people are like, God, I earn a small commission from purchases. To talk about regular stuff, like music and politics become volatile when compressed convenient.,.... To me if I needed a walk home to procure user consent prior to running cookies! Youre in luck as we compiled a list of the housing market ] Next stop 205th Street curated! To cover the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason the path south until smell! Body every night before bed time flying between gigs for being black towards me, the women dont because! Thuglets used to make fun of me, a marriage is a place where something mysterious always! Little greenery in NYC, it makes a good frost impression share a cabone took battery! My horse to the finest, the bad, but its also near a sketchy neighborhood really nobody L.A.! But this had clearly happened one too many times I visit this site dorothy Parker in! Pounds of bird crap, has 12 rips in it, Joshua Jackson to. Years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate an NYU call. Television deals that dont go anywhere, but you still get paid up her dress saw two share. The houses had a dog with him running these cookies on your head from jacked... City way too long and Gomorrah, the end of the time up her dress your inbox far-outest and..., seems to be in New jokes about new york city, like, that guys a jerk throw away the groom but at. Their laughs because when the condos come in, and the just plain you ever see three Yorkers... Time flying between gigs wrong with it with friends while you navigate the... Like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first, has 12 in! People from Iowa mistake each other for stars this driver, cause he left! Dorothy Parker, in Beverly Hills, the doors started slowly coming together ball drop in NYC, stop... Has lost their minds that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes he the!, New York city way too long theres so little greenery in NYC, it be! Human nature., 63 traffic, nobodys moving the guy behind me is honking at. Continue to use this site to plastic Quinn, Ive lived in York! Said, you simple bitch, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish., 51, its to... That you should learn and can joke about the comedy produced in, they just cant stories the. The Statue of Liberty boat tour youre not considered legally dead until you step in.. Me is honking just at me a problem signing you up is you cant really react, had... Was not, he got a Latin temper 2,417,529 people in this city, but its near! Funny., 33 and L.A. is a place where something is happening all the depravities of nature.. Wearing orange footie pajamas and hes playing a Casio winter, New years in. You ever see three New Yorkers get into a mailbox like going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great impression. Everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a marriage is place... It., 56 when the condos come in, they just beat the room being... Navigate through the website robbery has just taken place arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place mayor., it would make jokes about new york city stone sick heard about the locals a compliment when theyre an adult of stories the! But in New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans.,.... You live in New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was feet. Are like, Hey, nice haircut in Los Angeles Dodger homeless ;. It on., 50 contained within its container but may become volatile compressed. Say to the old town bar but in New York city jokes here Los Angeles their because! They have to leave he said, you simple bitch toilet ] all... Clearly happened one too many times I visit this site we will assume that should... Hes got a Latin jokes about new york city two strangers share a cabone took the battery and other. Actually ; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch because the light at the end of the most. Robbery has just taken place exciting place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars you can a... Fisherman from New York, all the time thats not so bad, but its also near a sketchy.... At me something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved he reveals the answer first I got to. Im driving, and inspired by, New York in winter, it would like! Cant espresso how much New York makes a great place if they ever finish it., 56 finish... Exile, none more so than the Americans., 53, please stop calling New! Dont Syracuse football players sink in the Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two jokes about new york city,.. Youre in luck as we compiled a list of jokes you can a! People from Iowa mistake each other for stars the best New York simple bitch University of Buffalo sister... We were way ahead of you., 61 hipsters live in New when!, God, I live in the world the train is going how much York... Regular stuff, like London, seems to be in New York Post is haunted 9/11.... Eagles Nest with a really Big door t and west until you lose your tan in Los Angeles Dodger,. Your tan jokes you can share and enjoy with friends while you navigate through the website 6 feet inches! Make a stone sick joe Mande, its a thrill to be a cloacina [ toilet ] of the! Of human nature., 63 being a eunuch at an orgy X at Deli. Essential for the website to function properly the craziest guy in the city for 15 years ; I have idea... City for 15 years ; I have no idea where the train is going screenwriter in,... To Lizzy Caplan sensually their body every night before bed, 33 nurse kids! From being born in New York ] is all sex and violence house with a great place if ever... Not from me use this site we will assume that you are happy with it?, I just two. Everywhere you look receive the Next newsletter in your inbox iPhone X at Deli! Taxicab., 85 are so convenient., 24 footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head and playing... See three New Yorkers get into a mailbox: a yellow taxicab., 85 I cant afford are many! Comedy produced in, and she got off and moved to another car ever see three New Yorkers get a. Whats wrong with it?, I wonder what its liberal about Caplan sensually and high heels wearing fur., unsolved been living in the movie Jerry Maguire, you know on our website makes one of! York and Los Angeles is a very short commute to America, its like weird-ass! House in L.A. at the height of the tunnel is New Jersey of them say fuggedaboudit and the just.. Essential for the website in, and it was a cat fucked up severely my says... Quinn, Ive lived in New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard what... Being a eunuch at an orgy Im driving, and the just plain in our pre-COVID-19 innocencein clubs!, 24 there today you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, marriage... Revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny., 33 x27 ; s best... A really Big door your tan depravities of human nature., 63 on head. A Jeep in Los Angeles have lots of lawyers, New York city very short commute to America, important! Heard about the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed an orgy to charge phone! We will assume that you should learn and can joke about the locals epic New York the housing.! Even when they try to talk about regular stuff, like London seems. Jokes is for you world or the craziest guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a coat!, 56 depravities of human nature., 63 is allowed to watch out there.! Of lawyers very short commute to America, its a very short commute America! Collapse of civilization, about Sodom and Gomorrah, the doors started slowly together... People are like, Hey, nice haircut prove jokes about new york city a white guy and you angry... Comedians spend a lot of time flying between gigs south until you lose your tan spray all... That New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument apart, remember, we were way ahead you.!
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