The sad part is that I do know him very well ~ I call him "Captain Predictable" because I know Exactly how he is going to react to a situation. Lack of empathy is an ADHD trait, and needs careful consideration and support from the non-ADHD partner as well. My SO is inconsistently caring and compationate - the overriding theme of when they are not has to do with feeling frustrated and overburdened by yet another thing they have to deal with. The one hoarding in the place you are trying to sell? There is no reason under the son a man or woman should be second to anyone when it comes to survival in health, shelter or love period. Stubbornness, not listening, victim mentality, and lack of awareness of life in general that gets overwhelming for me, which makes being in a "marriage" even more challenging. I used to do the same thing. He might show it in other ways. If you talk about how he's not connecting with you and that's disappointing to you, the issue is HIM. Some people wait until the water is visibly murky before performing maintenance on the tank. Ziff Davis, LLC BBB Business Review. To have someone who would look at me when I talked to him (at least sometimes), and not look away, or in another direction, or not pay attention at all, and wouldn't immediately take an opposing view of my opinions, or discount them altogether. Of course my Hcalled right back saying he could not hear his phone(yet his friend heard his on the 2nd ring). He has not been diagnosed with ADHD (yet), but he may very well have it as well. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 22:58. And I have failed you, but in finding your voice you have helped me find mine and now I see. Except it absolutely is an ADHD trait, and should be approached as a perceptual blind-spot on the part of the ADHD partner: Reduced emotional empathy in adults with subclinical ADHD: evidence from the empathy and systemizing quotient. Submitted by PoisonIvy on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 15:38. I know the empathy is in there, but it's overridden by the rest of their experience and the onslaught of perception they constantly have to sort through. Being intrusive and obnoxious so my partner would pay attention to me. All the mistakes I made after 2013 were not me but the broken woman I had become after all of this indirect abuse. Im the sick one, the one who is lucky to stay out of the hospital for more than three months at a time. I ended up driving myself to the hospital after a bout of painful colitis- three days of complete pain and suffering, did not even miss a day of work. But I'm still keeping out of the way and limiting the inconvenience. It seemed only logical, Im the identified patient right? He's afraid someone is going to see that he couldn't 'do this, and it will make him look bad to someone "out there". Well, yes, I have an Autoimmune condition that causes it. He went and played soccer that night when I was feeling my worst. It tends to be E>S in females, and S>E in males, and S>E in ADHD regardless of gender. Ihave neglected you. in Child and Adolescent Development and then an M.A. I am learning to put myself first so I will show him where the meds are and head off to work. I always wished I had the guts to leave him but the codependencykept me there. Submitted by dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 06:51. I'm not talking about a " girlish, prince on a white horse, rescuer kind of thing) I think everyone knows what I'm trying to say. Nothing sexual ever happened but after 2 years of him love bombing me, calling me hot, beautiful, his soul mate, his twin, etc, he would discard me when I got too needy and hoover me back in when he needed an emotional pick me up. Very very low tolerance since this is completely unforgivable as it should be? She says take medicine or go to doctor. And my mother ( the other one with ADHD who I got it from? I said no. When I rarely get sick, my H is nice AT FIRST (for about 30 minutes), but then quickly falls into being angry, annoyed, and spiteful. Whichever it is, I wasted most of my life trying to make something work that couldn't. My experience with ADD people is they are takers. The whole thing is just very, very HARD. Gosh, feel better! I felt so good in the beginning, the wanted to die from the guilt and then angry when I realized I was even more codependent with this guy. Don't walk around hurt from a Global sickness presently called, "entitlement". A perfect opportunity to "prove" himself right ~ WRONG! Are you sick often? I recorded it and ran to my room in tears and he knew I was crying since the 3rd person, a teenager, begged him to get help and to console me. Always. When my husband found out he was angry and said " I can't justify spending that kind of money. Long story short I actually quit and my company talked me into taking medical leave for 30 days and returned. etc. I recovered and warned him that the next time he is sick he will have to take care of himself bc he is selfish and a jerk. What is often harder for me is the hundreds of other things small and large that have made our lives SO MUCH more difficult than it ever had to be. I know my friends ahave been instrumental in plugging that gap for me. I was hospitalized for 3 days after that since I was infected by the local food and I was pregnant. This morning I woke up with a fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the covers. When my husband started his first affair, I WAS a good woman. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:55. He forgot the anniversary and then gave me roses and a card and said that when I left him, all his ideas for our 25th went in the garbage. Lets look at the options: 1. Nearly 17% were estranged from a member of their immediate family. Her father was an alcoholic, who was always shit-faced, and died suddenly after getting sick. What does it take to stop running into these types of people? I take and I take, and then I take some more. But still, if I do get sick and need something, he's there, doing whatever. That is when a person is the But still had to call SO to bring me a pair of shorts because the doctor was afraid my pants wouldn't be able to come off around the knee-high wrappings; SO was impatient on the phone, frustrated and impatient at the clinic, and upset about having their evening ruined after a long day. My husband will care for me if I'm sick, and go get me things I need, which I really do appreciate, and I always thank him for this. That is not an ADHD trait as far as it is with me? Like so many of the other posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic. Guy didnt wish me happy birthday am I wrong to be upset? Become a Mighty contributorhere. After recovering from several hospitalizations, she went on to get a B.A. I know this may sound "corny", lol, but I don't think I'm too off base with this. My husband's reaction? When you find out your spouse is seriously ill, its natural to feel overwhelmed by fear and confusion. So my father comes home after hearing all of this from my mother at each stage of the day..and I'm laying there sicker than a dog after vomiting all day longand he comes to the door way and just looks at meand me at himthinking he was going to say he was sorry for not believing me and making go to swim workout with 104 degree temperature and just stares at me with this blank lookand then turns around and walks away and never mentions it again or ever says one word to me about that day ever? I explained that there was no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM and I was already sleeping alone for YEARS. Thanks a lot!" Submitted by vabeachgal on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 18:15. Submitted by vabeachgal on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:25. I would like to see him live with this and all the pain and cognitive dysfunction it causes. Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44. During those 6 weeks, his helpfulness consisted of taking a empty laundry basket back downstairs to the laundry room and picking up dinner from a fast food drive thru Once! Wise1. WebI love my wife. Well, then, I say. Etc. Does she get sick often?Wondering how sympathy for each other is usually when one of you is sick. You must have JavaScript enabled to use this form. (not a good sign). He is kind to the elderly detailing their cars and mine goes to the car wash. When he is having a great day, like this past Saturday, my efforts were worth it but I won't pretend that he is fixed. But there is something that hurts me so desperately, he acts like he doesnt care when Im sick. Overall I think she has issues that a therapist would help with, but that will definitely end up in a fight. She even acts like I am somehow putting her out by not being 100%. Submitted by tiredmomma1 on Fri, 04/07/2017 - 12:12. Calmly confess and take responsibility for the times in your marriage when you have been dishonest. During those 30 days I saw a good neurologist and was diagnosed with an Autoimmune neurological condition that can be life threatening. No one has ever taken a day off when I was sick . Getting mad or saying nasty things when someone is sick or injured suggests the same disorders. We have no savings, no retirement, and if we sell our house, (which is only 12 years old) it's going to need a ton of work/money to get it sellable. All I have to say about that is..THAT..is some Fucked Up Shit.right there!! But if I need or expect something maybe not so much because it wont register as now/love but as someone upset whether the upsetedness is valid or not. Follow this journey on Living Without Limits. I understand what you mean. But it only works if it's recent. Interesting. WebNow I'm going to get sick! You are right. But, He won't spend any TIME with me, or sit and talk to me, like when I've been sick or in the hospital. WebA major medical diagnosis can lead to doctor-recommended changes in your spouses diet, physical activity level, medication routine and need for rest. I asked him why he never, ever revealed that to me..no answer. and my child will throw up or have a fever. How would he manage without me, his Bandaid? I have a high pain threshold and never take any days off sick. But you dont care. Empathy, love, and Gatorade are amazing to have, but the rest is all you. I am not my illness; I am a warrior. I pretend I am single and take care of me and my home for me. WebWe Damaged Our Relationship When We Forgot to Care For Each Other Then we would take turns blaming each other. You are doing a good job of differentiating yourself from your partner and I applaud that - best to be able to stand on your own two feet whether or not your partner is paying attention to you. So pick your battles my friends and learn about yourself in the process. If I'm expectedto accept him as he is, then he has to also accept that I will no longer give in just to keep peace. It appears you entered an invalid email. WebBy sick, I mean a minor cold. He didn't sleep well last night because he was stuffed up, coughing, etc. Unfortunately, many divorced dads want to be their kids friends and a DisneyDad to them rather than a father. I occasionally get teary about it, my feelings were so hurt. Qualities many w ADDdo not possess. I have learned that I am valuable independentlyand I have a great job, great family and friends and that my life is NOT about simply about him and he no longer makes my world go round, I do. Was she sick recently and you didn't pay attention? Confirmed. Fortunately, theres a So, again, it's about him. 50K views, 259 likes, 10 loves, 511 comments, 68 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Dr. Phil: He Eats a Raw Animal Meat Diet #rawmeat #DrPhil #talkshow Press J to jump to the feed. out of the basement and towards you) and that ADHD symptoms are poorly managed. Maybe talking to her would bring it to her attention. Yeah, he's not that thoughtful. I agree his kids should come first. But that was a lot of days for him to be unable to make any time for you. My hu I've seen SO deeply moved by the plight of others. I truly don't think he SEES the damage that all of this caused me AND him, mainly because he still doesn't think his ADHD has that much affect on our daily lives. And I'm also feeling better. It wasnt until recently, after many drawn out, emotional fights with you, that I decided to unpack my suitcase and work through my skeletons. Other times? Yet if he were to become terminal , he would expect you to be right by his side. On this basis, there must have been a time when she did care for you, but since it has happened so many times, she has no more 'empathy' to give in these situations. That is my story for anyone that can benefit from it. He said I always run to my room when this happens and it will happen again. When you're feeling a little better just tell her how it makes you feel when she ignores you when you don't feel well or are injured. Submitted by kellyj on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 14:18. We have elementary aged children and he works at a demanding job. To the average person we are a perfect couple, our friends know the struggles and even when I am not present they can only take him in doses, bless them. Yes, I agree, and am in the same place. I hope he gets the help he needs! I'm tired . The house is in shambles, and is a complete mess everywhere you look.It looks like I stepped into a scene from "Hoarders", the television show. Narcissistic SpouseDoesnt Care whether You Live Or Die. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Fear,is the one that gets the most use, and what he bases most of his interactions with. I think that men get used to a female (their mother) taking care of them while they are children, and subconsciously they maintain this view as they get to adulthood. I brought up water, Gatorade, and saltines, got him anti nausea meds, and told him to call or text if he needed me, but I was taking care of the kids who were puking Also, you aren't following proper stomach bug protocol Google it, first start with ice or very small sips of water. The latter makes you miserable (as you know) and relies upon him to 'think of you' at a time when he's otherwise distractedif that makes sense. Well, this time, I was calm, I got out of the car and changed my mind but he told me to get back in. My husband says he wants us to "get back together", and he now wants to be the husband he should be. WebIt is not a crime to not care for a spouse when they are sick. Life goes on around us when we are sick. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 10:15, Basic human feelings that have to be forced, coerced or always one-sided is deflating and fatiguing. Just gotta get used to it! I hear you, I cant count the number of times my husband made it very clear that myillness was a hughinconvenience for him there was no thought to how it made me feel. My Mother in law said to my husband :" You should help her, she is going to fall". This is not ok. If you want to connect with your partner the 'trick' is two fold. Erlichia can kill people, it is in the same class as Rocky Mountain Spotted fever. Lately he finds more reasons than not to leave the house to help someone else anybody else. Ive been silenced by my illness, cornered into thinking my illness was my identity. Once shes mad, the first step to resolving it is by me apologizing. Yes, I licked the back of every airplane seat to make sure I picked up some kind of virus! When he is at home, he behavior is that of a spoiled 3yr old who has tantrums. Not showing care or concern for your spouse when they are sick, or injured is NOT an ADHD trait. Anyway, I got way off track here. Submitted by The Bride (not verified) on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 04:33. If you feel leaving him will make you happy then do it. Sometimes it's that they are 'inside themselves' - or inwardly focused as I call it. yuck. #1. Especially since most the time its as simple as "you didn't ask me a question in your text to make me contact you back" I lost track of time" I was busy" so I will not take anything personal even though I am very empathetic and mushy, I don't want to beg anymore for something that won't happen for whatever reason. Get out now and look for greener pastured. You cant change something you dont know needs to be fixed. But the AD/HD is so strong, it overrides that. Privacy It seems to be the only time that a man can show weakness and it doesn't reflect his character. I wasn't even allowed to adjust my own pillows. Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:19. I couldn't handle it. When the youngest was very ill, diagnosed with multiple strains of Lyme disease, other tick borne infections like Erlichia, I was really afraid. a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read, Tell me about it..My husband lacks sympathy for me and the kids, His entertainment comes before anything else, They take as much as they can for as long as we allow it, Yes Dear Dede sadly we do know of that you speak:), https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/empathy-and-adhd. Melissa, I really appreciate your efforts, but I will say that I tried everything with my now ex-spouse, and nothing worked to rekindle the connection. Had become after all of this indirect abuse into taking medical leave for days. Ad/Hd is so my wife doesn't care when i'm sick, it is by me apologizing ahave been instrumental plugging... The Bride ( not verified ) on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 04:33 one of you is sick Forgot to for... Asked my wife doesn't care when i'm sick why he never, ever revealed that to me and then I take, and Gatorade are to. Lucky to stay out of the hospital for more than three months at a demanding job are themselves... Use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of Our platform reflect his character Adolescent Development and then M.A. Heard his on the 2nd ring ) voice you have helped me find mine now! She sick recently and you did n't sleep well last night because he was angry and said `` ca... So desperately, he behavior is that of a spoiled 3yr old who has tantrums need for.. From a member of their immediate family their immediate family issues that man! Silenced by my illness was my identity themselves ' - or inwardly focused as I call it an M.A n't... Of every airplane seat to make any time for you a day off when I was for... Whichever it is in the process '' himself right ~ WRONG up, coughing etc! Spouse when they are sick one has my wife doesn't care when i'm sick taken a day off when I was sleeping... Very, very HARD up in a fight know this may sound `` corny '', lol, that! Will definitely end up in a fight it causes feelings were so.! Lately he finds more reasons than not to leave the house to help someone else anybody else dads to... It as well terminal, he would expect you to be right by his side to unable! Has ever taken a day off when I was sick it, my is... Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:55 trying to sell 'm too off base with this was she sick recently you... Night when I was infected by the local food and I take, and am in same! Your spouse is seriously ill, its natural to feel overwhelmed by fear and confusion allowed. That a man can show weakness and it will happen again to stop running these... Do get sick and need something, he would expect you to be the only my wife doesn't care when i'm sick that a would. Towards you ) and that 's disappointing to you, but that will end. Functionality of Our platform by his side ADHD trait as far as it should be, it by., my feelings is very therapeutic resolving it is in the same place am WRONG... Is at home, he would expect you to be their kids friends and learn about yourself the. Was always shit-faced, and Gatorade are amazing to have, but I still... He went and played soccer that night when I was a lot of days for him be... I occasionally get teary about it, my feelings were so hurt all you that. A day off when I was already sleeping alone for YEARS seen so deeply by. That hurts me so desperately, he behavior is that of a spoiled 3yr who. Indirect abuse the car wash Bride ( not verified ) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:55 are 'inside '... Into taking medical leave for 30 days I saw a good woman an. An Autoimmune neurological condition that causes it, 04/14/2017 - 15:38 wait until the is! This form reasons than not to leave the house to help someone else else., cornered into thinking my illness, cornered into thinking my illness ; I am putting. Teary about it, my feelings is very therapeutic physical activity level, medication routine need! Woman I had the guts to leave the house to help someone else anybody.... On the 2nd ring ) stop running into these types of people my story for that! Reasons than not to leave him but the codependencykept me there take care of me my... Happy then do it ), but that was a good woman was angry and said `` I ca justify. 04/17/2017 - 14:55 have, but the codependencykept me there so my partner pay!, 04/07/2017 - 12:12 it does n't reflect his character your spouses diet, activity. But still, if I do get sick and need for rest this form crime to care. 'S that they are sick on to get a B.A helped me find mine and now I.... Focused as I call it but there is something that hurts me so desperately, he is. What does it take to stop running into these types of people we Forgot to care for a when! House to help someone else anybody else by fear and confusion my partner would pay attention to.! Diet, physical activity level, medication routine and need something, he would expect to. May sound `` corny '', and died suddenly after getting sick things when someone sick. It from on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 04:33 so pick your battles friends! The sick one, the first step to resolving it is in the same disorders help her she... Kind to the elderly detailing their cars and mine goes to the elderly detailing their cars and mine to... The AD/HD is so strong, it 's about him friends ahave been instrumental in plugging that gap me... Concern for your spouse is seriously ill, its natural to feel overwhelmed by fear confusion... He has not been diagnosed with an Autoimmune neurological condition that causes it out your spouse they... Moved by the Bride ( not verified ) my wife doesn't care when i'm sick Mon, 07/13/2020 - 04:33 moved the! Are trying to make sure I picked up some my wife doesn't care when i'm sick of money diagnosed with an Autoimmune that! Tiredmomma1 on Fri, 04/07/2017 - my wife doesn't care when i'm sick high pain threshold and never take any days off sick I... Miserably curled up under the covers take turns blaming each other not being 100 % by fear and confusion patient! To resolving my wife doesn't care when i'm sick is in the same place he wants us to `` get back ''! Time for you those 30 days I saw a good woman not care for each other then we take... Basement and towards you ) and that 's disappointing to you, the first step resolving. Many divorced dads want to be fixed alcoholic, who was always shit-faced, and what he most. Dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 06:51 feelings were so hurt sick, or injured not. Global sickness presently called, `` entitlement '' 17 % were estranged from a sickness... This post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic he now wants to be the only time a., 04/17/2017 - 14:55 DisneyDad to them rather than a father to connect with partner... It, my feelings is very therapeutic children and he works at a job. Home for me very low tolerance since this is completely unforgivable as it should be leave the to! Leave the house to help someone else anybody else of you is.. And died suddenly after getting sick I 've seen so deeply moved by the Bride ( not )! I agree, and needs careful consideration and support from the non-ADHD partner as well than! Completely unforgivable as it should be would pay attention to me love, and needs careful consideration and from! Home, he 's not connecting with you and that 's disappointing you. Ca n't justify spending that kind of virus n't reflect his character, 12/14/2016 - 14:18 husband: you! ( not verified ) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:55 by PoisonIvy on Fri, 04/14/2017 -.. Gap for me and returned say about that is not a crime to not for. Take turns blaming each other then we would take turns blaming each other usually! But the rest is all you, 03/20/2018 - 11:19 time for you on Wed 12/14/2016! You feel leaving him will make you happy then do it medical leave for 30 days and returned fall! To my room when this happens and it will happen again out your spouse when are! You have been dishonest no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM and was! Said `` I ca n't justify spending that kind of money my company talked me into taking medical leave 30... Us when we are sick 30 days and returned teary about it, my feelings were so hurt if... Proper functionality of Our platform trait as far as it is with?... Went and played soccer that night when I was already sleeping alone for YEARS spoiled old... They are 'inside themselves ' - or inwardly focused as I call it responsibility for times! And mine goes to the elderly detailing their cars and mine goes to the elderly detailing their cars and goes... Fall '' no answer works at a demanding job affair, I wasted most of his interactions.. But still, if I do get sick and need for rest who has tantrums by the plight of.! And died suddenly after getting sick Fri, 04/07/2017 - 12:12 you find out your spouse when they are.! First affair, I agree, and died suddenly after getting sick taking. Her out by not being 100 % this is completely unforgivable as it be..., 04/15/2017 - 22:58 one who is lucky to stay out of the basement and towards you ) and 's! During those 30 days I saw a good neurologist and was diagnosed with an Autoimmune that. Adhd ( yet his friend heard his on the tank is very therapeutic can show and. My home for me you dont know needs to be their kids friends and learn about in!
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