It's a long road we all will travel. This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have. Click on the different category headings to find out more. This is called splitting, and its part of the disorder. I am the same as you. I'd be honored if you shared it with your DBT Group and therapist (and your family!). No one is perfect and no one has life figured out, we are all troubled in some way. "Snap out of it". Thank you for the letter and I have seen a lot of younger people diagnosed early in life.I remember feeling this suicidal attempt when I was 15..but never went for any therapy..I just lived life and had my children and worked all the time too. Paranoia or emotional detachment. Something wasnt right, but you still lay down next to me every night. I had no idea what the heck it meant to have BPD. Thanks for sharing. I quit writing. Reacting to someone with borderline personality disorder is a challenge. It was good to find your site. It is intense, exhausting, and rewarding! My wife got me a book back in 2004 called Walking On Egg Shells that has helped me so very much. , You have made so much progress!! After reading this letter i feel that i myself wrote most of it. I'm usually pretty good at keeping my head, and not fighting back, whenever she does this. And it felt like nothing I could ever do to try to improve myself would ever matter to the people I cared for, because of everything that had happened in my past. Mahari, a Canadian woman and Life Coach now 52 years old, who recovered from Borderline Personality Disorder 14 years ago writes an open letter to all who have been, as she was at the age of 19, diagnosed with BPD. After experiencing a lack of support at work, Beth became a champion for workplace mental health. ~ Dave M. This comment has been removed by the author. I can tell you, from personal experience, that working on this illness through DBT is worth the fight. The letter and all the post did help me a little tonight tho. But one didas did my therapist. I am about to give birth to my first child and one of my baby's grandparents most likely has Borderline Personality Disorder (previously diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but many of us believe BPD is a more comprehensive explanation and DBT type therapy/interactions are the only things that have consistently had a positive impact). I love this person, but the situation can be so hurtful. When I was told what it was, I went home and researched everything I could about it. An Open Letter to "Non BPDs" from those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder: Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder, You may be frustrated, feeling helpless, and ready to give up. Thank you for the article. My ex is a very convincing and extremely intelligent person. My own experience with my BPD mother was one in which my father, siblings and I were often blamed for her erratic behavior and unstable feelings. , There are still some professionals who are not up to speed with the treatments that can effectively help those with BPD. My belief in it is fading. Until I got out of all the physc stuff , non groups and started to directly talk or better said listen to those that suffer from BPD I really had no idea. Thank you for sharing your experience, and wishing you healing and recovery in your family. Again tks for this:), You are very welcome. This blog is a torment to me because it makes me think he could change. I keep reading things about how we cant love and that people should stay well clear of us, thankyou for writing this, my ex split with me, a week ago nd ive signed over my house coz she has nowhere to go, she jus thinks im trying to get back with her and has been told to cut all ties coz I will make her life hell, just feel so alone. I asked myself these questions over and over again but there were no answers. For some of us, we had childhoods during which, unfortunately, we had parents or caregivers who could quickly switch from loving and normal to abusive. Thanks, i'm going to share this with my partner. Improve the Moment (and Your Life) with DBT, Interpersonal Effectiveness: DBT Skills at Work. I had an outstanding relationship with her with much in common and few if any disagreements to the extent that I am totally convinced that she was 'the one' for me (I'm a 48 year old man that has been around the block enough to be a good judge of this) and am not entirely prepared to give up on her. My kneejerk concern about the situation sometimes is rejection, but I try to put the feelings she is going through in perspective and just wait. We were always extremely close, until she got involved in a highly stressful abusive relationship. Yesterday, I had to say goodbye to a dear friend of mine, because I became emotional and said things I never should have. Some individuals with BPD tend to push limits, engage in risky behaviors, or seek stimulation in ways that are unhealthy. Intense Emotions: When Present Events Trigger Past Trauma. It was total and it was overwhelming and it could be cruel." Cassandra Clare. Debbie, Kelly, thank you so much for letting me know! But I fear that she will never forgive me if I maintain I didn't do anything wrong. Thankyou, I can only imagine the courage it must have taken for you to write this for us! A certain song, sound, smell, or words can quickly fire off neurological connections that bring us back to a place where we didnt feel safe, and we might respond in the now with a similar reaction (think of military persons who fight in combat a simple backfiring of a car can send them into flashbacks. Not someone with questionable actions in their past. She also has recently gotten more busy and a tighter finical situation. The Socialist Republic of Romania (Romanian: Republica Socialist Romnia, RSR) was a Marxist-Leninist one-party socialist state that existed officially in Romania from 1947 to 1989. Even in this letter, she puts me on a pedestal and subsequently knocks me off it. Thank you for expressing so eloquently and non-judgmentally what (I bet) so many with BPD wish they could say to friends and loved ones. She is restarting DBT group in a few weeks. The more people are aware and care, the more people we can help. Smiles, Well here goes. This website is a collection of information that we have found helpful or of interest in the context of our own lived experiences. A year ago, I could not have written this letter, but it represents much of what was in my heart but could not yet be realized or expressed. Someone with BPD might feel fine one second and then really angry or upset the next. That evening I spoke to a LCSW who was able to confirm that all her actions (plus a prior divorce, SI, estrangement from her children, abusive father and ex-boyfriends, etc.) Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder. BPD is characterized by rapidly fluctuating moods, an unstable sense of self, impulsiveness, and a lot of fear. You might feel like you're being held hostage . She blew up, tore into me for a good 30 minutes before breaking up with meshe breaks up every time she gets mad, then acts as though it had never happened a few hours later, or the next day). When I was scared, I ran away and hid. We were married for 12 years and the relationship was defined by me reassuring her that she was good enough, while she would constantly go through massive unpredictable mood swings. Happy for you both. Hope can be returned. I am currently single, but hoping that someday she comes back to me and we can have the life together that i so know God chose for us Whatever your doing don't quit, don't run, fight, struggle.. you deserve to be loved. All we can do is pray at this point. I tried to cheer her up and I thought we ended the evening on amiable terms. I may feel hopeless, but I dont want other people to. I scream out (or maybe I don't) and no one knows what the heck I'm talking about. I was told that I have BPD, and I am in denial of my diagnosis. Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder. Groups are not for everyone. Zahra Navabi*, a 20-year-old student diagnosed with BPD around July 2020, has always struggled with her mental health, her perception of herself, and her relationship with her emotions. I want to know that honesty and loyalty exist. Thank you fit writing this letter and for your blog. , You are a brave and kind man. Can you get it without having a BPD Dx on your file? On the other side of the coin, we may have outburst of anger that can be scary. Now she teaches DBT, has written several books and has a blog called, Previous post: Finding peace amongst the turmoil, An Open Letter to People who do Not have Borderline Personality Disorder from Those of Us who Do, this blog (Healing from BPD by Debbie Corso), Remind yourself that the persons behavior isnt your fault, Tap into your compassion for the persons suffering while understanding that their behavior is probably an intense reaction to that suffering, Do things to take care of YOU. I NEVER RELAX. After a few weeks there she came down with a respiratory illness and asked to come back home. Most of my family doesnt believe in my diagnosis, and any friend I ever made has left because of the brief periods of time when I couldnt control my emotions. When he is having his episodes he verbally attacks me. Thanks for giving others hope by being a partner who is interested in learning more about his girlfriend's condition, and please also be sure to use very good self-care and seek support for YOU, too. Yes, YOU can imagine. Every single time you embrace my stable days when I'm the peachiest version of me you ever get to experience. It was only ever a matter of time and what scared me the most was the thought that youd find someone who would treat you better, who wasnt so weighed down. I am aware there is a shift in the middle of this brief description of my experience from talking to people with mental illness, toward talking to those without it. I love them so much but I am so lost. Maybe there is hope or support out there but i can't figure out how to know who deserves it and who doesnt and if i try think about it i just panic and get nowhere, make things worse, so i was wondering what your thoughts are as this is obviously a subject you have much experience with. Use non-judgmental words to describe our behaviours. It's a horribly helpless feeling to watch someone you love in pain. It is possible that something that you said or did triggered us. One must only have 5 symptoms out of 9 to qualify for a diagnosis, and the combinations of those 5-9 are seemingly endless. The reason being, that it is common knowledge for those with mental illness to understand how damaging social stigma can be, but I believe it is just as damaging to read numerous success stories about people who have suffered themselves. Distancing can also trigger all kinds of abandonment and trust issues for the "BPD" partner (as described in #4). Love, Linda <3. I can tell you, from personal experience, that working on this illness through DBT is worth the fight. I would love it if you shared my letter with clients and posted it on the wall in your office. Hello thank you so much for sharing. There is a lot of misconception out there about BPD. Having BPD is no picnic, either. Our brains literally disconnect, and our thoughts go somewhere else, as our brains are trying to protect us from additional emotional trauma. You believe you cant get close to anyone because you will love them so much, and they will inevitably hurt you in one way or another, and you will overreact and do or say something that ensures they decide they cant be around you. Starting therapy can be daunting, and the person needs to make the decision for themselves, but your letter, and other people's experinces here can inspire hope in others, and help them through difficult times. If you have borderline personality disorder (BPD), you might have experience with being called "obsessive.". I need frequent reminders of this, because if I dont it feels like I will lose faith in humanity completely, and that will shatter every belief I have ever held dear. As you note, they benefit from the mystery around BPD bc they can more easily confuse people, induce sympathy and get people to excuse their abuse etc. You are toxic. and I guess I thought tough love would maybe get through to her, but it's been 3 and 1/2 years since I have seen or talked to her or my grandchildren. And I know that my reaction to him is so very. Offer to visit the doctor with them, spend quality time with them doing something you both enjoy, and tell them you love them. I wish you so much healing and hope as you continue on your journey. -JB. thank you. You know what, I wouldn't have been able to write it 6 years ago. Copyright 2023 NAMI. It's hard not to appear defensive when she is asking for explanations as to why I've done things. Encourage self-care. I am on the edge. Other have said it, but I need to add my voice Thank you for writing this. We may avoid you, not answer calls, and decline invitations to be around you and other times, all we want to do is be around you. It's not your fault. 4. Now that I know she has BPD, it is too late for me to do anything more to help her. I'd probably try again if he asked me, but I know he won't. This is my second year in DBT. Thanks for writing this. I am a male who's spent the last three and a half years dealing with a partner with BPD, do not give up, there are people who love you enough and are strong enough to deal/fight through this with you. I watched her deteriorate before my eyes and her children, too. She is a wonderful Woman and I love her with all my heart, my life, my everything. Debbie,I just LOVE LOVE LOVE your honesty and compassion. I suffered massive trauma throughout my life but particularly when i was 16 years old. What you have written here is one of the most accurate and personable depictions of BPD, it gives way to understanding and hope. If BDP people are triggered into the abyss of misery, then so are we. We all receive different care and information from professionals and those around us, information has never been so easily accessible. A person with BPD can act in impulsive and often dangerous ways. Since these providers may collect personal data like your IP address we allow you to block them here. All i can say is it is a very long process. The author of this letter has since RECOVERED from Borderline Personality Disorder and no longer meets the criteria for a BPD diagnosis. Debbie, what a brilliant letter! I dont know how to start this little note of mineSigh.. People with BPD can experience severe mood swings,. I have never sought treatment (aside from counseling) for my BPD, because mostly group therapy is suggested and the last thing I want to do is talk to a bunch of strangers about my problems . While she was packing one day I played some Mavericks, southwestern country music I thought she would enjoy because that's where she is from. my life is in shamblesi without her, im just ad much a mess worrying about her, who shes with today tomorrow.. Hope you are well! Please be aware that this might heavily reduce the functionality and appearance of our site. You are a strong person for working so hard to heal yourself. This open letter does an amazing job of outlining some of the hallmark symptoms of BPD. I made it though, and I now know that I have so much to offer to my future clients because of my own experience with mental illnesses. I have read through a lot of your blog and so much of it sounds like me. You always can block or delete cookies by changing your browser settings and force blocking all cookies on this website. There are nine possible criteria for diagnosing BPD, but an individual only needs to . An curved arrow pointing right. As a result, people with BPD frequently experience emotional invalidation that is, others react to their emotions as if those emotions are not valid or reasonable. Its hard, and my life sucks.. My blog is aggis.wordpress.com, but its in norwgian, lol. before you all jump on me telling me i'm in denial don't want to get help etc i've done nothing but GET HELP for years. I promise you I wanted to be the man you knew, and I desperately wish we could put things back together. All Rights Reserved. Due to security reasons we are not able to show or modify cookies from other domains. One moment you might feel as though you love. What stands out for me is HOPE! Thank you so much. Don't write her off. Once calm, the family can together have an open discussion and achieve setting small goals for the person with BPD. I am actually building up an identity, something that is ME. If you want to talk to someone who can help you get connected with services and support, please contact Amanda Smith of Hope for BPD at: (941) 704-4328. If you had told me 10 yrs ago I would be happily married and eventually become a mother I would have given you the finger and told you to shut the F up. These episodes can get farther and fewer between, and we can experience long periods of stability and regulation of our emotions. I need them to but as an outcast to society, I dont see it. Dear *My Name*, I wanted to write you and tell you that I'm sorry I couldn't (or didn't) make it work with you. This website is produced by members of the Sanctuary Support Group. It was so helpful to me. Not all of the situations I described apply to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. She struggles with accepting herself and most of all loving herself which in turn hinders her from being healthy both mentally and physically. I am very excited for your ongoing healing! Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your own progress. Brea, it can be really difficult when financials are suffering, but there are many people out there self-teaching the skills until such a time that they can afford to go to groups or individual DBT. I truly appreciate what you said. If there is a problem with our website, please contact us here, 2023 Sanctuary Support Group | Designed by, Debbie Corso had BPD and has recovered. It can be really difficult to know how to cope when someone has emotion dysregulation issues and is incredibly emotionally sensitive. My wife was diagnosed with BPD a number of years ago and it's been more of a battle for her than for me. . Debbie, Thank you so much for commenting. I pray every night for God to help meI would love some direction and support Thank You. It is killing my spirit. Coin, we are not able to write this for us for the person with BPD can experience periods. 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