My hubby is a sports guy. He has a love/hate relationship with sports though. He loves the game — especially hoops. He loves the athletes — especially Aaron Rodgers and LeBron James. He loves the rivalries, competition, familiarity, ritual, and heart. 

He loves to hate the SEC. He loves underdogs, clearly defined rules, and overcoming odds. He hates cheaters and anyone who rigs the game. Fairness really matters to him.

He also listens to an extraordinary amount of sports talk radio. It’s the soundtrack of our lives. I often tune it out, but when I don’t, I’m struck by how many of the hosts are “Larry Davids” in a constant state of outrage — about the players, the league, the penalties, the referees, the coaching, the pace, the outcome, the money, whatever. 

Now I know that’s the world we live in, politics and sports have the same playbook: get the audience to pick a side and then feed them reasons to love who they chose and hate the other team.

That doesn’t appeal to me though. I don’t believe in zero-sum games.

Maybe I don’t get it, but I think I do. It’s just that for me, loving sports means loving the game, being invested in your team’s highs and lows, sharing crucial/thrilling/awe-inspiring moments with other fans. Win or lose, I don’t really care, it’s the action and excitement from tip-off to the final buzzer that I love.

I feel the same way about gambling. My husband plays to win. He’s (relatively) disciplined and he bails if it’s not going his way. When I’m playing, I love the socializing, watching the other players antics and tells, random conversations with the dealers, waiting for the slots bonus.

I love the anticipation of a payout, but mostly I love to play. I’d prefer to win, but it’s the action and excitement that keeps me coming back for more.

This got me thinking about my approach to life. A lot, and by that I mean hundreds of people have asked me throughout my life why I’m so happy. “I just am,” “I was born that way,” “happiness suits me” or “I have a high happiness set point” are my default answers, but it’s more than that isn’t it? Happiness is a form of courage.

I just finished Yale’s most popular course in history, The Science of Well-Being. It was fantastic for so many reasons, but on a personal level, it validated my approach to life. So much of what I “just do” was scientifically verified — savoring, anticipation, and gratitude for example. It made me appreciate and honor that I instinctively prioritize and expand happiness in my life and I’d like to teach you how to do it too.

So I broke it down into 10 (not easy but invaluable) steps and they are my gift to you.

1. Know who you are and what you want.

Before you eyeroll, really, what do you want out of life?

Is it to haphazardly float along, bumping into what opportunities or joys are meant for you, avoiding the obstacles as best as you can, growing older but looking good for your age, making a decent living, maybe getting married, having kids?

The usual with a side of fries?

Is it a vague feeling of sacrificing the highest highs to avoid the tragedies and balancing somewhere contentedly in the middle?

Or that plus something else? Something more?

Can you articulate it?

Ok, pretend I called you right now (or texted for those of you who won’t answer) and asked you “what do you want out of life?” and you knew for certain I could wave my magic wand and grant whatever you said.

What would you say?

Now imagine yourself 5 years in the future, after my call/text, did you ask for the right thing?

Did you go big enough? Is what you got what you really wanted?

Knowing what you want goes hand in hand with knowing who you are. So many people go along with life…follow their parents, grow up, go to school, get a job, do well, get a promotion, start wanting to keep said job believing that they must want it because they already have it and 1) lack of inertia 2) it’s easy 3) it’s too much to know what else is out there or to restart.

Or maybe it’s a relationship that goes well so inevitably it must be true love right?

And then you’re 30 or 40 or 50 and holy shit, did you miss your chance to know your heart? 

Knowing yourself is a process of trying different things on for size, pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone, imagining different outcomes, pursuing anything outside of what’s already available to you. You don’t have to do the things you don’t want to to know they aren’t for you, and you don’t have to stray far, but you do need to experiment a bit.

If it’s safe and easy, and right in front of you, call it what it is, comfortable and convenient, and ask yourself, is this all?

Live the life you truly want to live.

2. Prioritize that.

Prioritize who you are and what you want.

In fact, challenge yourself to do one (or more if you’re a Rockstar) thing each day that moves you closer to becoming who you want to be, to demonstrating who you know you are (aligning your life with your values or purpose), toward getting what you want out of life.

Put yourself out there. Declare what you want and risk being seen. If you are really prioritizing who you are and what you want, you must take risks, see opportunities, and take action. 

Don’t obsess. All of us are traveling at our own pace and have baggage to carry, but go in the direction of yourself and your dreams and see how the world paves the way.

3. Let everything else go.

Seriously. Stop with the couldas, shouldas, the anger, the regret, the pointless, the “I have to’s”, the “well if I don’ts”, and the distractions. 

Focus on who you are, what you want, and let the anything else be additive or transient. If the anything else is not good and additive, consider why it’s part of your life.

4. Don’t focus solely on the future, don’t dwell on the past, explore “in the meantime”.

This is a game changer and even if you are struggling with steps 1–3, you can do this today. Yes, we must invest in our future. Yes, we must reconcile our past. Yes, we must live in the moment.

AND, there’s this time that isn’t weightless, it’s not the perfect zen of being in the zone, deep in meditation, or feeling flow. It’s not the hour you spend at yoga or spinning that quiets you and connects you to your body. It’s everything else. It’s the real-life moments that fill your day.

It’s feeding your family and loading the dishwasher and walking the dog. It’s reading a book and washing your hair, waiting for test results and preparing for an important meeting. It’s applying to a program and balancing your budget and taking your kids to the zoo. It’s mowing the lawn and boarding a flight, waiting for school to wrap up for the week and the doctor to see you soon.

It’s all the minutes of your life that are ticking by because you see them as a means to an end, a period of time to endure/waste/fill/count down instead of your time to be alive. 

Feel those minutes. Surrender. Be involved. Be engaged. See the potential and anticipate more.

Live them. Be full of life in them. Enjoy the action and excitement from tip-off to the final buzzer.

5. Pick your people.

Your people are out there. Your people are the people who will shine a light in your life so bright that you’ll become the light too.

Finding your tribe isn’t just a cute hashtag, it’s defining your own reality. It’s filtering your influences, and plugging into your network.

Be intentional. Cultivate good relationships.Find mentors and inspiration. Don’t force it. Know when to walk away. 

There is so much to say on this topic but only you know you at the level it requires to choose the people to accompany you on your journey.

Imagine yourself boarding a spaceship (very Jennifer Lawrence in Passengers) and you get to bring a few guests with you. You know it’s going to be an amazing trip that will take 80–100 years if all things go well.

Would you just jump on and hope that you have chemistry with the other passengers already onboard or that you will find a friend or two along the way to make the journey more meaningful?

Would you curate the guest list to include the soulmates that you know will fill your journey with love, happiness, meaning, and more?

6. Level up.

Milestones work. Goal posts motivate. For better or worse, we are predisposed, hardwired, and trained, to understand the parameters of having a defined period to accomplish a goal and then advancing to the next round.

We’re born and it starts: Can baby roll over? Sleep through the night? Talk? Walk? Is she potty trained? Did she start school? When does she graduate? What will she study in college? Is she dating anyone? When’s the wedding? Are they expecting? When will they have another?

It goes on and on, a series of boxes to check, stages, a map from start to finish. Maybe you get it, maybe it infuriates you. Maybe your life doesn’t fit the order or the norms, no matter. 

What’s important isn’t if you follow the map or manage expectations, it’s that you aren’t stagnant, that you are moving forward, that who you are today is better than who you were yesterday. Evolve.

Micro changes are fine. It’s not a climb. It’s not a race. Everything has right timing.

Every day we are on the verge of making small changes that make all the difference.

Just like the ocean, you have ebb and flow. No pressure (really, not sarcasm), just take it on. You’ll regret staying stuck, so choose to level up throughout your life.

One of the easiest ways to do it is to play to your signature strengths. You know the stuff that makes your heart sing? Do that stuff. Do it as part of your job, as part of your free time, with your kids.

When you feel at your best, you are at your best. Stay in that zone as much as you can, apply it in different ways, in different contexts, to everything, and see what happens.

7. Explore the wonderful (full of wonder) world around you.

This planet, this lifetime, this time period in history is bananas. It’s phenomenal. Incredible. Unbelievable.

It’s a freaking privilege to be alive and experience it firsthand. Others who have gone first would have killed to have the resources, connectivity, lifespans, opportunities, technology, developments and potential that we take for granted.

Celebrate it. Get your fill. Soak it up. Capitalize. Do something amazing and/or simply enjoy it. See it with fresh eyes. Hold your highest vision. Dive in and don’t come up for air.

Don’t wait for more money, the right partner, to lose weight, to graduate, to do steps 1–6. Don’t wait for anything or anyone. Just walk out of your front door and find wonder.

8. Let even more stuff go.

Other stuff is going to come up, even after you think you’ve simplified, healed, shed your past, and moved on. Your stuff will inevitably get in your way (again) at various (or more) points during your journey. NBD. 

Let hurt, anger, disappointment, dreariness, fear, monotony, mediocrity, and anything else you can think of that isn’t wonder (see #7) goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. 

Watch it fly out the window into the sky taken by the wind and dispersed into nothingness. It was never really there anyway.

9. Be an active learner.

This is the fundamental way to love your life and find happiness: Learn. Learn what you must learn. Learn what you want to learn. Learn what think you want to learn. Learn what you don’t think you’ll need. Learn because it benefits you now and later and in ways that you can’t possibly imagine. Learn because it offers perspective, range, and optionality.

Learn to enrich your life and connect more profoundly, not only with others, but with yourself, and with life itself. Learn because when your appetite for learning is whetted, you’ll never stop learning, and the more you learn, the more you’ll want to learn (it’s like traveling in that way), and everything you learn will help you appreciate everything even more. It becomes a positive feedback loop that enhances and amplifies your life.

You’ll start making connections that you wouldn’t have made. You’ll start relating ideas that others wouldn’t think to relate. You’ll see things that you would have missed. You’ll hear a lyric and know it’s a reference to an idea from a book from a long time ago. You’ll see a pattern that relates mathematically and to interior design and in your garden.

You’ll fall in love with life every day because you’ll get it at a deeper level.

You’ll understand that it was all created for you, a vast and magnificent masterpiece designed just for you, with your joy and gratitude and hope in mind. It adds up in a million little surprises and delights and synchronistic moments that are meant to make you smile. 

The more you learn, the more you’ll become co-creator and begin to weave a rich tapestry of awesomeness all around you. As the sun, at the center, it will all make sense to you in a way that goes way beyond joy. It will be life-affirming and infinite.

10. Make better choices.

Happiness is there. It’s within your grasp. But you must want it, recognize it, and know you’re worthy. With so much at stake, make choices that support goodness. 

And when you find happiness, you must make choices in concert with having it, keeping it, earning it, growing it, nurturing it, and sharing it with others.